"...a feeling of loneliness, so vast that even its own pain seems swallowed in an enormous void."
-Ayn Rand "Atlas Shrugged"
I haven't posted or written a blog entry since September. Quite a while indeed; in any case it's not important since nobody reads this particular blog of mine. If I may sum up my last six months in a few words, those would be poems, heartbreak, bitterness, and school. Alas, where shall I start? Ah, friendships; they are a blessing, they are a curse, they are something totally foreign to me and as I grow to know more people, they leave me questioning the true values of this society.
Well, contrary to a very logical consequence to a very illogical friendship, my best friend, (illusional girl of my dreams) is still holding on to me. This women has and will have single handedly affect my relationships for the rest of my life; there's no doubt in my mind about that. If you have been reading my previous entries, which I'm sure no one has, you will discover my story of the girl who refused to see me; this is the girl who I fell head over heals in love with. This was the kind of love in which I was infatuated with her. I gave her the rights to my heart, along with the rights to break such a heart. Why you ask? In a world where privacy and distance rules, why would I be so daring as to give my heart to a girl who can't bare to see me, let alone express her love for me? Well the answer is quite simple; because I love her, love her more than anything in the world. The fact of that still perplexes me; still leaves me shaking my head, telling myself that only an idiot would fall in love with a friend who has no intent of a close relationship in mind whatsoever. Well I think it was established long ago that I am, indeed, that idiot. Do I regret it? Definitely not! Nevertheless, it gave her quite a hard time and much yelling ensued, all done by her of course; such is the fact I don't get mad at those I love, for why would I? Oh how I hate when she gets so mad!! It's like someone reaches into my heart and pulls. It literally paralyzed me when I realized that, after 10 years of controlled emotions, she was able to break me down to tears, touching my heart like no one had ever been able. On the other hand, I remember that she doesn't like a lot of aspects of my personality; nevertheless, throughout the multiple chances she's had to remove me from her life, she has held more or less steady. Hmmm....I have mostly stopped trying to find logic behind her actions, yet that one still puzzles me; it's one I'm glad she makes. I could write a book about this one girl; as such, let's just say that she still has the craziest affect on this man's heart. It's a sad fact that, as I get to know more people, my heart is one that is getting very tired and cynical.
Increasingly I have become resentful; questioning whether there's simply an issue with society, that we as a people are so closed that when someone tries to get close we freak, or is it just unreasonable and unjust to want to share your friend's lives?? Sadly, tragically, most of my friends insist on "texting" as our main, and sometimes ONLY, form of communication. Thus, the conflict begins; how does one conduct a close friendship solely over texting? It really doesn't surprise me that I've encountered multiple problems and much heart ache due in part to this aspect. It would seem our society, obsessed with "writing" emotions rather than speaking them, has defaulted to a point where you're expected to like texting. It's a great burden to me to have such a harsh reality placed upon my heart. At first, I assumed it was just the personalities of the few friends I had, then as I made more, losing a few on the way, I began to realize that such is the case with everyone; people don't like to be well known. Nevertheless, I didn't stop trying; continually reaching out to people in this city. Was that a mistake? For it would seem, from my experience, that spending time with friends is wrong as is talking on the phone to them; yes, I know, TEXT TEXT TEXT. Seemingly they're too busy to speak to me on the phone, thus bringing me to another point.
How does one define a friend? Is it seeing the other all the time, or talking everyday? How about having those long conversations where you tell each other everything about you? In contrast, it would appear to be the opposite; secrets and "privacy" rule while any attempt to really get to "know" your friend is fiercly shunned. Such a shame; a cause for me to shake my head in disappointment. Yet not at my friends, for they are just conforming to the values of the people. Rather, it feels as if society has let me down. In an age where we put our whole lives online, it's despairing to find that with our supposed friends, we hold so many grudges against said friend getting to know us. In fact, I have lost friends simply for that reason; each one filling my heart with bitterness, coupled with despise. While on the other hand, who really wants to put up with me? I must admit I'm not the easiest friend to have; by the very words of a friend who let me have it yesterday, I'm "needy and intense" and just plainly "f***ing annoying". Interestingly, perhaps unfortunately, I care a great deal about this person, and consequently was, and still am, quite upset with how I made her feel. She evidently was tired of talking to me everyday and, knowing I don't respond well to "nice" words, felt compelled to call me the bastard that I can be. Upset? Indeed I am, but surprised I am not. I realize and accept the fact, albeit resentfully and bitterly, that most people don't respond well to my attitude towards friendship once they get to know me. That is unfortunate, largely depressing, but who am I to say what is likable about myself?
It's like I'm standing on a cliff, below which runs miles of rapids laced with rocks. Each person I meet has the ability to push me closer to that edge and initiate my subsequent death. It's a power I willingly give them, for if you're going to be friends, you mustn't shield your heart. I often ponder why I haven't jumped myself, for there seems to be a trend leading to such an end anyways. I think to the future and only see desolation most of the time; I will have achieved my Masters or PhD from a prestigrous university, perhaps published a book of poems, but inside at the core of my existance I will be as barren as a desert. It's a destiny I am working hard to change, while questioning if one can actually have an impact on a path already made for them?
As such, these have been my days of late, and while I'm basking in a glow of knowledge from college, I find myself falling back on that same old question; if you go through life as a lone tree in a desert, desperately clinging to any hint of nourishment, of life, that comes trickling your way, who could argue if that tree decided to surrender to the sun?