A Torn Heart; A Confused Path

  Lately these days, the dominating thought on my mind has been; should I let go of the friend I love, or stay in a relationship with her that's eating me up?  If I stay will she eventually come to trust me in the way I want; in the way I need?  Or will there always be that gap between us, that tension that has caused me to lose so much sleep in this last week?  We can't know what lies ahead in our future; we have to guess and take a chance that what we chose was the right decision.  Especially when it comes to matters of the heart; often the choices we make can't be undone.  It's for this reason why they are so hard to make; so intimidating.

When You Realize You Love Someone Who Will Never Feel the Same; that "Oh Fuck, I love her" Moment

  What do you do is this situation?  The moment that you discover you love someone, yet they will never feel the same.  You may be friends, or just co workers; although you may not be really close to them, you know enough about them to love them.  They become the focus of your world, just talking to them about their day makes you happy beyond your comprehension.  You want to learn about them, you want to know all their pains in life.  The sound of their voice makes you smile; they pop into your thoughts throughout the day.
  Yet, as strongly as you may feel about them, you know they will never return those feelings in the same way.  Whether they just outright tell you that or do it subtly, you just know.  The great majority of the time, it's a subtle message you get; they text other friends all the time but ignore you, are unwilling or reluctant to tell you much about themselves besides the basics, maybe make plans to get together and then cancel at the last minute.
  Whatever the case may be, they are putting up walls between you and them, walls that only they can bring down.  You find yourself having that "oh f*ck, I love them" moment; the one where you know that it's only going to cause you pain in the end to love someone who doesn't love you; nevertheless even though you know that, you can't give them up in your heart.  They may "like" you; indeed, most certainly they do if you guys are friends.  Nevertheless, they will hide many things in their life from you, and when they are upset, excited, or just feeling the need to talk to someone, they would rather not choose you as that person.  Of course, if you talk to them about the friendship, they may say that they value you and consider you a very close friend, yet those two words that have become so critical in a relationship are missing; "Love" and "Trust".   For if one of you feels that way while the other doesn't, you can sometimes wind up finding yourself, as I like to call it, "royally f**k*d"
  The reason for this is when you get to this point, unlike some other situations, you really are between a rock and a hard place; you can either accept that they will always hide things from you and never return your feelings, or you can take the "unthinkable" route and part ways with them in your life.  I call it "unthinkable" because when you love someone, as people know, the hardest thing for you to do is give them up or lose them.  Yet what can happen if you don't move on without them, is that everyday you may wind up either pitying yourself for not having the will to move on, or just taking a bitter attitude towards the entire situation and being miserable all the time.
  The choice is one that can be discussed with the one you love, yet only to a point.  For ultimately, when they have already said that they will never fully let you into their lives like you need, the time comes when you need to decide which is best for you; what you can live with.  Sometimes it feels like you can live with neither, yet you still need to make it; the effects of that one decision can follow you for the rest of your life.  I think you need to let them go, or accept it without being hurt. For in the end, everything being equal, loving someone and wishing that they will love you back, yet knowing they won't; that's no way to live.

It's Not Just Lack of Sleep

  I have lot's of energy.  I can walk for hours on end without tiring; can go to the gym three hours a day on four hours sleep.  Do I get physically tired sometimes? Sure I do; most certainly I'm not Superman.  Yet for the most part it's the emotional tired; the kind you can't do anything about.  The kind that no amount of sleep can cure.
  Don't think I haven't thought it was from lack of sleep; it would certainly be the obvious answer.  I have only been getting on average four hours sleep a night, not that much by anybody's standards.  Nevertheless, I've been sleeping like that for weeks now and have more or less gotten used to it.  The problem (or maybe advantage) with me is that I'm OK to go on very little sleep and still have lots of physical energy; I guess it's just the wonder of being nineteen.  For example, I can have four hours or seven hours (which I got last night) and I still feel exactly the same in the morning.  I'm glad of this because not everyone can go on this amount of sleep; I've always hoped that I would be able to.
  It's not that kind of tired.  As I mentioned in a previous post of mine, there's a lot of areas of my life that need to be changed.  And while I am planning to do just that, it's not something that can be done in the blink of an eye.  The thing about emotional problems is that they need a lot of fine tuning, or small adjustments as it were.  Like a fine piece of woodwork, emotions need lot's of attention to detail, and you need to be patient with them. That can be extremely frustrating and most of all draining.
  It would be nice to have the kind of relationship that's, for the most part anyways, smooth. Yet that's not my fate in life it seems.  Lot's of times I think to myself; "just f*ck it all, give up on the relationship part and focus solely on yourself".  Yet then again, what is life without other people in it?    People bring the essential aspect of love to your being; the tricky part is getting the right kind of people.
  I used to sleep lot's, and I mean lot's.  Ten hours a night was my average back then, and I thought I would die if I got any less (I've always been a overly dramatic person).  Yet if everything else goes OK in my life, four to five hours is fine; six is a luxury.  The problem is that, while physically I am good to go, my capacity to deal with emotional problems and analyze any given situation is significantly diminished when I'm running on four hours sleep a night.  This is the reason for the "tiredness" I am feeling.

  Yet sometimes this kind of thing happens to people, and sometimes the most logical choice is to change your lifestyle.  That can mean anything from starting a new job, moving to a new place, or changing the kind of friends you have, and everything else in between.  It can be an overwhelming notion; can be scary.  Nevertheless, it could significantly improve your life; in the process you could fine the one thing, or person, that's been missing.
  I am beginning to think a change like that is in order for me; with my mom leaving, having to find a roommate to live with, starting school, and (hopefully) finding a new job, I am brightened that my life will soon be getting that kind of change I'm beginning to desire so much.

You Don't Have Anything to Say or You Don't Want to Talk

 It's interesting when I ask people how they are doing and what's new, they often reply "the usual".   Yet what is the usual?  There's no such thing in my mind as the usual.  Just like matter is constantly changing and everybody has different biological reactions going on in their bodies, you physically can't have exactly the same day as you had before that, and before that.  Every morning you wake up, having changed a slight bit; you may be thinking something different than the previous morning.  We're not robots, we don't have the exact same actions programmed in our brain with no variety.
  Why don't people really say what's on their mind?  For certain, it's not the same thought as you had told me yesterday.  We are constantly processing new information every minute of everyday; we just aren't aware of all of it.  The sub-conscious mind is really still a complete mystery; we know it's there, we know a little bit about what kind of thoughts and actions it controls, yet we still can't know how it really works.  The brain is estimated to produce around 70,000 thoughts per day.  (http://www.brainhealthandpuzzles.com/fun_facts_about_the_brain.html)
  While of course we won't be aware of that many, not even close, there's no way you can tell me there's nothing on your mind.  Everything's on your mind; you just either aren't aware of it or don't want to talk about it. Ask someone about health; their health, their friends health, what they consider to be healthy, I know you will get a different answer from everyone.  Even if you ask random persons on the street about something as mundane as the weather, they will all have a slightly different opinion.  So of course you're thinking something different; of course you're not bored, our brains are too advanced to be bored.  We just aren't utilizing them to the their full potential.
  If the day ever comes when we will be able to completely understand the human mind, I don't even have adequate words to describe the effect that will have on the human race.   It will change the whole world, and even the planets beyond us, far past our wildest dreams.  It blows me away just to think of it.  
  So do me a favor, when I ask what's on your mind or how you're doing, tell me the truth; we all know you can't have nothing to say.

Kids These Days; I Feel So Old

      At nineteen, I feel about thirty.  Looking around and talking to my peers, I can't believe how they are.  Yes, I may be leaning on stereotypes a little bit here, yet it seems to be more or less the "norm".  The other day, I was talking to a co worker of mine; he seemed to be your average young guy.  Working and going to school, he both studies and parties; drinks and dances.  And when the conversation wandered into the likely topic of "girls", I was blown away!  He's single, from what I have gathered, yet is always with one girl or the other.  That is his Saturday night; get off work, go to the club with friends, and go home with a girl.  Now, what can I say to that?  I would say, "damn! he's a lucky SOB", except what he does just doesn't appeal all that much to me.  Having a one night stand isn't bad; sure you have a great time with no strings attached, no worries.  Yet I don't see how it can be that simple.  What if the girl wakes up the next morning and thinks, "well I would like to see him again"; are you just going to ignore her when she calls?  Or are you going to tell her you just wanted to sleep with her, nothing else, so go find someone else.  I personally couldn't do that; wouldn't do that.  It's just not right to play with someones emotions like that.  Of course, it's not like they love you and you're crushing them, that's a whole different topic for another day; rather, it's simply rude, not courteous.  Even if you let her know what your goal is that night before you take her home, she could feel differently the morning after.  The horrible thing, in my opinion, about human emotions is that they are never the same and can change in a heartbeat.   So be careful when treading around them. People say you can have sex without bringing emotions into it; I say that's bull***t.  No matter how hard you try, or even if you think otherwise, I believe there are always some deeper emotions to go with it.  Why do people go to clubs alone in the first place?  Yes, maybe they just want to get laid, yet they also could be lonely in their life and are simply looking for someone to talk to; a friend above all.  I feel, and I think most would agree, that is way more important to emotional stability in the long run than just spending a night here and there with random strangers every week.  Human emotions are among one of the most complicated and misunderstood workings of the brain in the world.  So how can we act as if they aren't?