It Seems So Cliche', Yet It's True

   Well, I knew it would happen; yet how does one prepare oneself for a breakup?  I no longer am talking to the girl of my dreams.   The first few days after we broke up were OK, and I thought maybe, just maybe, I could do this and keep my eyes dry.  What a fool I was for believing that.
 

Last Day of Summer; Last Day of Freedom

  Well, this is it, I'm going to back to school tomorrow; this is officially my last day of summer.  And I am having a bloody good day at that!  I ran around like a chicken with its head cut off on Saturday, cooking, shopping, and just generally getting everything ready for school on Monday.   As much as it would've been easier to do some of the work today, I am glad to be able to fully relax today.  Things are about to get crazy in starting tomorrow.

Why Do I Do This To Myself; I'm Such A Fool..

  

    Lately, I really don't know what I'm doing.  I find myself hanging on and staying in a friendship with a girl, when we both know full well that we weren't meant for each other.  It's been the elephant in the room that we've both been ignoring; yet I ask myself, how long is it before one of us gets hit with its trunk.

Cynical About Love? Me?

   It was only one comment, yet I'm still wondering about it; I had a girl come to look at the apartment the other day who apparently read this blog, concluding I had a cynical view on love.   Well, let's explore that shall we.

Is It Possible to Miss Someone This Much? Love Her this Much?

     It's funny, I should be used to this feeling; I have been friends with this girl for months now.  It's a long distance relationship by her choice, yet everyday we talk; for hours sometimes.  So how can it be possible to miss her just as much everyday, to break into a grin ear to ear every time we talk?  Logically, isn't the body supposed to adapt to any conditions?  Am I mistaken or is the brain part of my body?  I have no words to explain this phenomenon, other than my deep profound love for her.

Take a Deep Breath and Let It Out Slowly...Breath In, Breath Out...

  

 Well one of the things that I dread the most has happened; I'm SICK!   Every time this happens I go crazy, like "want to scream and pound the wall" crazy.  In light of recent events and trying to change my attitude vastly to preserve relationships, this is really NOT a good time to be sick.

I Need to Stop Taking Things for Granted

  My eyes were forced wide open the other day; I thought I had lost the one girl I truly love, forever.  I was crushed; a total emotional mess.  Stunned to my core, I went through the days in a haze, not sleeping, not hungry; I've never been more upset in my life.  I didn't know what to do; but one thing I did know, I had to get her back, no matter what.

The Break Up; With a Platonic Relationship?

"I'm going to smile and make you think I'm happy, I'm going to laugh, so you don't see me cry, I'm going to let you go in style, and even if it kills me - I'm gong to smile."


  

  Well, judging by my silent phone lately, a few relationships in my life are over.  There was lot's of talks about what we each wanted out of the relationship, and it was just too different and conflicting to get past.  I'm disappointed that through all my love for them we couldn't work out our differences, yet love was the problem to start.  I felt nothing but pure love towards them, while they didn't love me and wished that I didn't feel that way about them either; consequently we were often at odds over our relationship.

Summer 2011; The Good, The Bad, And Everything in Between

  Well, it's not quite over yet, but my summer has more or less come to an end.  In September I will be heading back to school to start my career as a Personal Trainer, I just got a new job, I've loved, lost, found, and loved again.  My mom is moving out and I'm going to be living with a roommate or on my own, went through a few vehicles, a few jobs, reconnected with my cousins; yes it's been quite a summer by anyone's standards.

Love Hurts

  Love. The root of all happiness, or the destruction of the soul.  It's often said that love complicates life; it truly does.
   I never really understood before that feeling you get; the one where your heart fills with joy when you see that one person, when you talk to them.  It doesn't make any logical sense; the same soaring of the spirit and the same goofy smile on your face every time.  You would think that over time this effect would fade away, and maybe it does; I haven't known anybody long enough to find out.  Yet so far it hasn't, and I'm stumped.  

A Torn Heart; A Confused Path

  Lately these days, the dominating thought on my mind has been; should I let go of the friend I love, or stay in a relationship with her that's eating me up?  If I stay will she eventually come to trust me in the way I want; in the way I need?  Or will there always be that gap between us, that tension that has caused me to lose so much sleep in this last week?  We can't know what lies ahead in our future; we have to guess and take a chance that what we chose was the right decision.  Especially when it comes to matters of the heart; often the choices we make can't be undone.  It's for this reason why they are so hard to make; so intimidating.

Maybe It's Not Meant to Be; Maybe No One's Meant for Me

  Love

If you have it,

You don't need anything else...

And if you don't have it,

It doesn't matter much what else you have

These days I haven't been sleeping; the way my relationships are going I guess that's not surprising.  Knowing I will lie awake for hours, I don't even bother trying to get more than four hours sleep anymore; certainly not enough even for me.   Consequently, the lack of sleep isn't helping smooth things over with my loved one's either.  I always thought that eventually in life I would find some people; friends, partners, lovers, for me.  I never was looking for a lot; rather I was hopeful to find someone with whom to spend time with, to talk with everyday.  I always wanted someone, or a few people, who I could be close enough to to call whenever, for whatever reason.  Growing up surrounded by laughing teenagers, by couples, I always thought that there weren't any rules with people you love; apparently, as I have recently found out, there are a abundance.

The Promise Threatened by Love

  Promises are made to be broken; just like rules.  No, I still don't believe that; if you make a promise you keep it.   Yet when love becomes thrown in the mix, the promises you once made can be threatened.  You never plan for that to happen; we tend to always underestimate the power of love.
  The problem is that when you make a promise, it's a conscious thought; you know what you're promising at the time.  Nevertheless, as time goes by, your feelings change for that person; even if that means they just become deeper.  You know what you feel can, and most likely will, get you in trouble; yet it's love, you need to embrace it.

When You Realize You Love Someone Who Will Never Feel the Same; that "Oh Fuck, I love her" Moment

  What do you do is this situation?  The moment that you discover you love someone, yet they will never feel the same.  You may be friends, or just co workers; although you may not be really close to them, you know enough about them to love them.  They become the focus of your world, just talking to them about their day makes you happy beyond your comprehension.  You want to learn about them, you want to know all their pains in life.  The sound of their voice makes you smile; they pop into your thoughts throughout the day.
  Yet, as strongly as you may feel about them, you know they will never return those feelings in the same way.  Whether they just outright tell you that or do it subtly, you just know.  The great majority of the time, it's a subtle message you get; they text other friends all the time but ignore you, are unwilling or reluctant to tell you much about themselves besides the basics, maybe make plans to get together and then cancel at the last minute.
  Whatever the case may be, they are putting up walls between you and them, walls that only they can bring down.  You find yourself having that "oh f*ck, I love them" moment; the one where you know that it's only going to cause you pain in the end to love someone who doesn't love you; nevertheless even though you know that, you can't give them up in your heart.  They may "like" you; indeed, most certainly they do if you guys are friends.  Nevertheless, they will hide many things in their life from you, and when they are upset, excited, or just feeling the need to talk to someone, they would rather not choose you as that person.  Of course, if you talk to them about the friendship, they may say that they value you and consider you a very close friend, yet those two words that have become so critical in a relationship are missing; "Love" and "Trust".   For if one of you feels that way while the other doesn't, you can sometimes wind up finding yourself, as I like to call it, "royally f**k*d"
  The reason for this is when you get to this point, unlike some other situations, you really are between a rock and a hard place; you can either accept that they will always hide things from you and never return your feelings, or you can take the "unthinkable" route and part ways with them in your life.  I call it "unthinkable" because when you love someone, as people know, the hardest thing for you to do is give them up or lose them.  Yet what can happen if you don't move on without them, is that everyday you may wind up either pitying yourself for not having the will to move on, or just taking a bitter attitude towards the entire situation and being miserable all the time.
  The choice is one that can be discussed with the one you love, yet only to a point.  For ultimately, when they have already said that they will never fully let you into their lives like you need, the time comes when you need to decide which is best for you; what you can live with.  Sometimes it feels like you can live with neither, yet you still need to make it; the effects of that one decision can follow you for the rest of your life.  I think you need to let them go, or accept it without being hurt. For in the end, everything being equal, loving someone and wishing that they will love you back, yet knowing they won't; that's no way to live.

Trying to Force Relationships

  We would all like our relationships with others to last and work out.  Whether it's family, friends, or that special someone, we never enter it expecting or wanting it to end.  We try hard to make it work, because we don't want to lose them.  Yet sometimes two people are just to different for the relationship to work out.  When you love someone, or even like them, you are supposed to like them for who they are, not who you want them to be.  You're not going into a relationship with someone with a plan to change them into the person you want them to be.

Who to Love; Who to Trust?

     The issue of trust and love keeps coming back to me; two things that, while are synonymous, have varying degrees which can make things very complicated.  For some people, trust comes easily to them; they believe people are good in this world and put their faith in that. While others have been hurt in the past and consequently have a hard time letting people into their lives again.  It's never a concrete decision when you choose to give someone the benefit of the doubt; you are taking a chance, sometimes a pretty big one.
  As I said there's varying degrees of trust and it is shown in our everyday actions. For example, when you hail a cab, you're trusting the driver to get you to your destination safely; when you drive with someone else they are trusting you to drive safely.  Then there are the deeper aspects of trust; you trust your friends to be there for you and not betray you, you trust your employers to pay you everyday.  Trust is all around us in our lives, but the kind I want to talk about is trust between friends.
  When you meet someone, there's always that "first impression"; that instinctual feeling you get just from saying hi.  You start talking and your trust grows; or quickly falls, depending on what they say and how they say it.   If there's enough trust and you like them, you become friends; taking a chance that the relationship will make your life better.  Let you have to be careful of who you let into your heart; they could just end up tearing it apart, taking a piece of you in the process.
   While there's always that chance that you are trusting the wrong person, I believe that's a chance you need to take.  The alternative is a lonely life.  Yet that's really the question isn't it?  Who do you trust?  Who do you love?  The heart isn't something to be played with, or to be taken lightly.  I believe when you decide to let someone in your heart, your life is enriched; for that to happen though, they have to let you into their heart as well, otherwise you will be in for a lot of pain to come.  The issue with love is a whole other...well...issue.  I think there's a definite point in the relationship when you consciously make the choice to let that person into your heart; when you decide to let down your walls.  When you do that though, you start to love them.  If there's a conscious controlled decision to trust someone, there isn't one when it comes to love.  Love makes your emotions go crazy, makes all rational thought come to a screeching halt.  Once that happens there's no turning back unless you're ready for a lot of pain.
   That's why it's pertinent that you choose carefully; you don't want to take this lightly and end up getting badly hurt in the end.  You need to make sure they trust and love you as well, because there;s nothing worse and more hurtful than when you love someone and they don't return those feelings.  The question of who to love, who to trust, isn't one that I believe can ever have a definite answer.  There's too many factors in life that change people, that mold people into who they are.    If you make the wrong decision and only realize it when you deeply love that person, then there's trouble.  For you realize it, but what do you do about it?   You  can't force someone to love you; you can't force someone to trust you.  They have to make that choice on their own.  Yet it's a tough place to find yourself in; you love them too much to leave, yet the fact that they don't feel the same way about you is killing you.
   While they may not hurt you with intent; that is to say they still consider you their friend, they don't feel comfortable with you to open up themselves.  There's still a million secrets between you and them; it begins to make you wonder if they really consider you a true friend.  For if friendship is all about trust and love, why don't they trust you?  What is it about you or your attitude that gives them pause?  It can feel like a deep insult to not be trusted like that.  That you know there's a whole other side to them, the "real" them as it were, that they don't want you to know about can put a lot of doubt in your mind.  You can try to talk to them about it, but chances are if they don't tell you about other things that are so emotionally deep, they won't want to talk about this if they don't consider you a close friend.  It just keeps coming back to that same question, who do you decide you will trust?  Because once you decide it's alright to trust them, love is sure to follow in short order.    While you might be able to let someone go because you know they don't have the same feelings for you and know that to stay in the relationship means a world of pain,  once you feel that deep love for them, it's something that can kill you to let them go.  And it's that type of pain that can hurt you for years to come.

The Argument

  No relationship is perfect; we all know that is true.  Perhaps I know that more than most.  Nevertheless, it rips me up when I am having a dispute with someone I love.  My stress level goes way up, and I feel awful about whatever it is I did.  Sometimes, I have to just wait out the storm; it would not help to talk about it.  Yet that doesn't mean I don't try; everybody reading this knows how I feel about communication in a relationship.
  All friends have arguments, it's just the way it is.  The key to a good relationship is to make up quickly and put it behind you both. Easier said than done. Especially when it's the same issue that keeps getting between you two.  Yet you have to just keep talking; apologizing, grovelling, whatever you need to do to make things right, until such a time as the offended friend forgives you.  Maybe not the most fun way to spend your time, but something that has to be done all the same. And while it has to be done, you also have to want to do it.  For there's no reason to say you're sorry if you don't feel it; no reason to fix a relationship you don't care much about.
  The early arguments are the hardest; they're the ones much more likely to end up with one of you saying "it's over" and meaning it.  Whereas in a older relationship you have created a bond of love and respect, when the relationship is still "young", there's none of the love, the caring, the respect, holding it together through the storm.  It's the tree analogy all over again.
   So be careful when the relationship is still young; you're just a five inch tree, easily crushed or blown away.  Be caring, be patient, eventually you will grow into a mighty oak; strong enough to withhold the fiercest of storms.

The Phenomenon of Loving

  Sometimes it hits me, at just a random time of the day; how can we love people so much?  Unlike the way you choose your friends, you don't choose who to love.  Sure maybe in the beginning you decide to trust them, decide to get closer to them; to get to know them.  Yet when it hits you that you love them, there's pretty much nothing you can do about it. They brighten your world, make you smile each and every day; make you laugh, cry, say stupid things, say things that ruins that tough image you may want to have.  You can't control it, although you try.  When you find the person that means everything to you, it is the best point of your life; that is to say, if they love you back.
  That person becomes your world, everything they say intrigues you; their smile knocks you off your feet.  You may have known them for years; gone to school with them, worked with them.  Yet you never really got to know each other.  It happens everyday; people reconnect after years to become friends.  Even though you may have not known them well before, the fact that you already know each other's name even creates the first part of the foundation that friendship is built upon.  You wonder how they could of been there before your eyes the whole time; while you haven't seen them.  All the memories you could of had; the years spent building the relationship gone, you have to start late, as it were.
   You don't quite understand how you can feel this way; how can one person mean so very much to you, be your last thought at night and the first in the morning.  Yet that is the reality; that is the truth.  Love is truly a phenomenon; nobody really understands it and we all have that moment where we feel like we are stumbling around in the dark, wondering how we could be so blind.   For love is truly blinding; when you love someone they are everything, you see nothing else.  When they walk into the same room as you, your eyes seek them out and then hold steady; you're totally oblivious to everything else around you.
   I don't think we will ever understand how love works exactly; and maybe we don't want to.  For while we want desperately to understand, the mystery is a big part of the attraction; of that excited feeling you get, of those glistening eyes that captured your heart.  Often, it's better to just accept something for what it is and enjoy it while it lasts then to try to analyze it to the point of destroying it; the mass spectrometer will show you everything in whatever sample it's analyzing, no secrets, no unknowns.  Yet to do that, to reveal everything in its element, the sample is destroyed and can never be brought back.   You have to realize that understanding something to the fullest extent, spending all your time analyzing it, can cause you to miss its beauty; can cause you to truly miss out on having and feeling something that won't be the same when you understand it.

How to Keep From Losing Love?

You Never Stop Loving Someone
You Either Were Never In Love With Them
Or You Still Are

    Hopefully it's something you never have to experience in your life; yet unfortunately most people do.  How do you hang on to the one person or persons you really love?  Sometimes, you get to a point in a relationship when you can just feel something's different.  Maybe it starts out great; you're really good friends and have a lot of fun together. Then the inevitable arrives against all your greatest efforts and hopes; you have deeper feelings for them then they have for you.  I've written lots about this so far; when you love someone to a degree that they just don't feel.
  I am talking about the kind of love where you want to learn everything about them; want to spend time with them, no matter if they are in a bad mood or not.  When just their smile makes your whole day; when you can be perfectly content just staring into their eyes.  That kind of love is just indescribable really; you look at them or think of them and feel so much affection for them that you're at loss for words.
  You want to understand them, well enough to be able to know how they are feeling from just a look at their face; from just a simple conversation with them.  You are willing to go anywhere to meet them, do anything; the only thing you care about is being there with them.
  Yet what do you do when they don't feel the same way?  Or even close to that way?  You try to make it  work; to play by their rules.  The problem with that is love doesn't have rules; sooner or later you will start to miss them like crazy.  Maybe start to question the relationship; wondering why they don't seem to feel very much for you.  Those are dangerous thoughts; as I've said before they could easily lead to resentment, my most hated emotion.
  You can talk to them about it of course, try to understand how they feel and why they feel that way.  Then you have to look inside yourself; sit down and have a talk with yourself.  Think of all the emotions you feel, think of how your life was before that person came into it; how it has changed since.  The decision you make is not a light one that can be reversed.  It will hurt you; it will hurt them.  Yet sometimes it's worth taking that leap into uncharted waters; not everyone is meant to be friends.  When you both feel so much differently about the other, it creates tension everyday in the relationship.  This tension can be light and easily worked off, or it could be the kind that envelops you; eats away at you everyday until you're an emotional wreck.  Everyone has to compromise to some degree in any relationship, yet when one person is so unwilling to make any concessions it might not work out.  As everyone knows, relationships are about give and take; without it you're just asking for trouble.  So while you may love that person to death; be absolutely crazy about them, sometimes you have to realize that they don't feel the same way about you and it will always be an issue.  The best, albeit hardest thing you may have to do, is give them up.

Family; There For You When No One Else Is

  This is something that I often don't think about and have taken for granted my whole life.  Family is special; there's something in that relationship that you can never get with friends.  Unfortunately, not everyone has good relations with their family, especially when it comes to their extended relatives.  Things can get pretty nasty, and I feel sorry for those people.  I don't have the best relationship with my family either but I still love them all and know they're always there for me.
  I mentioned there was a difference between even close friends and family, and I can definitely tell you there is. Friends are great, or can be at least.  People rely on their friends for a lot of things; from emotional support to physical support, from just being able to call a friend to come over at any hour to simply getting them to do a diet with you.  There's a lot more I haven't even mentioned and I won't because this is mainly about family.  You think of your mother; all she's done for you, all the love she gives and keeps giving, day after day after day, for the rest of her life.  The kind of love that shows you that without even asking she will always support you and stand by your side.  I don't have a father, figuratively speaking; that is to say, I have one but he left a long time ago and hasn't returned.  While I regret the fact that I had no male role model for most of my life (except for when I was young and my uncle Del was there; I'll never forget how much I loved the time I spent with him), it's one of those things where if you don't know what you're missing, how can you miss it?   While friends can be there for long periods of time, there are lots of cases where you will lose them; the reasons for this are too numerous for even me to think of.  With friends you may think you are really close, may share all your secrets with them; nevertheless in the end they could end up betraying you over something as unimportant as a guy.
   With family it's different.  You can go years with just seeing each other maybe once or twice a year (at Christmas and Thanksgiving for example) and still be able to just confide in them stuff you can't tell anyone else about.  I never realized how truly important it is to have family; to be close to each other.   Everybody's so busy these days; between school, work, relationships, more work, more school, people often get busy and forget about their family.   That's not to say they are ignoring them, but that they just get caught up in everything else in life.  
   There's no initial hump to get over like there is with friends; you know when you first meet and then decide how much to trust them or even if you can.  There's none of that with family, you just know you can trust them and they know they can trust you.  When you feel all alone and need someone to talk to who won't judge what you say, you turn to your family.  Whether it be your mom, dad, sister or brother, cousin, uncle, niece, grandma or anyone else I'm missing, they all love you and want to help you; want to see you happy and successful.
  They will talk to you about anything you need too, even if they don't really want to. They will, because you're family and they love you.  Yet sometimes we can forget this; forget the importance of keeping in touch with our loved ones.  Forget about the true meaning of family; just get so caught up in our own lives that we lose track.  That happens, that's life these days.  Nevertheless, it's always important to stay close to your family; for in the end, when you feel deserted and alone, they are always the ones holding out their hand to pull you back up.