It's Not Just Lack of Sleep

  I have lot's of energy.  I can walk for hours on end without tiring; can go to the gym three hours a day on four hours sleep.  Do I get physically tired sometimes? Sure I do; most certainly I'm not Superman.  Yet for the most part it's the emotional tired; the kind you can't do anything about.  The kind that no amount of sleep can cure.
  Don't think I haven't thought it was from lack of sleep; it would certainly be the obvious answer.  I have only been getting on average four hours sleep a night, not that much by anybody's standards.  Nevertheless, I've been sleeping like that for weeks now and have more or less gotten used to it.  The problem (or maybe advantage) with me is that I'm OK to go on very little sleep and still have lots of physical energy; I guess it's just the wonder of being nineteen.  For example, I can have four hours or seven hours (which I got last night) and I still feel exactly the same in the morning.  I'm glad of this because not everyone can go on this amount of sleep; I've always hoped that I would be able to.
  It's not that kind of tired.  As I mentioned in a previous post of mine, there's a lot of areas of my life that need to be changed.  And while I am planning to do just that, it's not something that can be done in the blink of an eye.  The thing about emotional problems is that they need a lot of fine tuning, or small adjustments as it were.  Like a fine piece of woodwork, emotions need lot's of attention to detail, and you need to be patient with them. That can be extremely frustrating and most of all draining.
  It would be nice to have the kind of relationship that's, for the most part anyways, smooth. Yet that's not my fate in life it seems.  Lot's of times I think to myself; "just f*ck it all, give up on the relationship part and focus solely on yourself".  Yet then again, what is life without other people in it?    People bring the essential aspect of love to your being; the tricky part is getting the right kind of people.
  I used to sleep lot's, and I mean lot's.  Ten hours a night was my average back then, and I thought I would die if I got any less (I've always been a overly dramatic person).  Yet if everything else goes OK in my life, four to five hours is fine; six is a luxury.  The problem is that, while physically I am good to go, my capacity to deal with emotional problems and analyze any given situation is significantly diminished when I'm running on four hours sleep a night.  This is the reason for the "tiredness" I am feeling.

  Yet sometimes this kind of thing happens to people, and sometimes the most logical choice is to change your lifestyle.  That can mean anything from starting a new job, moving to a new place, or changing the kind of friends you have, and everything else in between.  It can be an overwhelming notion; can be scary.  Nevertheless, it could significantly improve your life; in the process you could fine the one thing, or person, that's been missing.
  I am beginning to think a change like that is in order for me; with my mom leaving, having to find a roommate to live with, starting school, and (hopefully) finding a new job, I am brightened that my life will soon be getting that kind of change I'm beginning to desire so much.

I'm Going to Miss My Hangout

  I have been going to The Backstage Lounge for a few months now.  I started off just going there once or twice a week, just for the heck of it.   Over time though, I've come to really like that bar.  The staff all know me by now, as I've been going there almost every night, and the atmosphere is really nice.  The music is good, the bartender is great; the couches are heaven.  Nevertheless, since I am going to class in September and it starts really early for me (9am), I will have to get used to going to bed earlier.  
  You may be thinking, "nine isn't early at all, what are you talking about?", well if you would indulge with me for a moment here.  I will be going to the gym before class, and to have enough time to do that, I will be getting up no later than five o'clock in the morning.  That's not a huge jump from normal; I'm only getting up half an hour earlier.  Yet, I will be in class for eight hours a day and will have to have some functioning brain cells during that time.  Unlike now, where it doesn't really matter how much sleep I am getting, I want to do well in this course; I want to do very well.  In order to do that, some sacrifices have to be made; those being that I am only going to be able to go out on Friday and Saturday from now on.  The only exception to that is when they start the music at seven, which isn't very often.  I don't know how challenging this course is going to be; consequently I am not sure how much sleep I'll need.  But until I start it and fine out, I want to try going to bed a little earlier.
   I will still go to The Backstage Lounge sometimes, even when it starts late; I seem to have trouble staying away from that place, not to mention it's my favorite way to just relax after a long day and let my mind go.  Still, it won't be the same as going there five or six nights a week; won't even be close.  That's just the way it works sometimes with life; you have to give up the things you want to get the things you need.

Sleep is nice but....

  Everyone knows how important sleep is to health and mind, and it's been talked about so often that I'm just going to chime in on my personal view today.  I remember when I was a kid at daycare; we would have nap time every day and, when all the other kids were up and playing, I would still be sleeping.  I would sleep well past the hour or so we got.  Then there comes the time when you have a "bedtime".  You hate having to go to sleep when your parents tell you to; "but mom, I'm not tired!".  You argue and argue, eventually to end up in bed all the same.  Whether you sleep or not is the question.  I remember going to bed, my mom would turn the lights off, and I would be under the covers playing Gameboy games, or reading.  
  Then there's the teenage years, those years where you want to stay up all night; you really don't get tired.  You want to go out late with your friends, go to parties, just generally be out come midnight.  Some parents don't mind; they know where you are and how you're getting home.  Others, on the other hand, go ballistic!  Now, I never stayed out late; consequently I never had a curfew so to speak.  From an early teen age, and even maybe before, I used to go for walks down to the beach at ten at night, alone.  Sure my mom worried and wasn't all that happy about it, but I went anyways cause it was one of my favorite things to do; still is today.   I was never the party type; don't drink, didn't like at the "rap" and "hop-hip" and "techno or metal" that kids my age seemed to be listening to. I would be damned if I was going to sit, or stand rather, in a room in someone's house and listen to that crap loud enough to make my ears ring!   
   My mom knew that, maybe that's why she wasn't all that strict.  Sometimes, when I had a job in UBC, I would walk to my house in Kits after work at ten or eleven at night. Got home at midnight then, yet it wasn't like I was causing any trouble.
   During those years, although I stayed up late, I did sleep.  A LOT!  I was always late for school due to the fact that I was to tired to get up at eight.  Now, as I write this, I wouldn't dream of sleeping in that late!  In fact, if by some chance my alarm doesn't go off (and it's happened a few times) and I sleep in, I am angry and frustrated for the whole day!  The fact that I had so much to do and now just wasted two hours sleeping just pisses me off like nothing else!
   There was a few year period when I had major sleeping issues, and I mean I was going crazy!  Still that was back when I wanted to sleep between ten and twelve hours a day, and would often be up for hours during the  night.  The kind of feeling where you're lying in bed just praying that when you close your eyes this time you will sleep; the next thing you know you open your eyes after having felt like you slept for hours and only twenty minutes have gone by.  F*ck!    During that time, I tried everything.  Went to the doctor and was on I don't know how many different kinds of sleeping pills, both prescription and over-the-counter.    I remember those nights where I would wake up two hours after I fell asleep and just take a sh*tload of Gravol or some other pills the doctor gave me because I knew I had to get up for school in a few hours and was freaking out. Lying in my bed at three in the morning, watching info-mercials on cable just because my brain was too exhausted to think anymore.  Then going to school the next day and having to try to stay awake through that damn science class.  You know the one where the projector is running; quietly humming in the background, the teacher's voice sounding like they were speaking in a different language, and all the lights off.  I didn't have any problems sleeping then!  Often I would just feel my eyelids getting closer together and the next thing I knew, the lights were on and people were telling me to wake up!  
   I finally decided, after being on those pills for years, to just say f*ck it!  I gave up coffee (that was one of the hardest things I've had to do, oh the withdrawal from such a lovely drug we call caffeine), started going to bed at a decent time, and above all, woke up earlier.  Yes, I got less sleep, and until my body got used to not having the pills to put me to sleep, it was horrible.   Gradually though, I got used to it, or I should say my body got used to it, and I started sleeping better.  That was about two years ago; now when I think of sleep I am grateful for the little bit I get.
   My normal routine these days is, up at five thirty during the week, up at six fifthteen on weekends.  Granted I only sleep in on weekends because my gym opens later and I always go there first.  I feel blessed and lucky now if I get SIX hours of sleep; that doesn't happen that often.  Things have been busy these last few months, and I've been averaging about four hours during the week and five on weekends. *sigh*  Oh well, what can I say?  I never get tired at night anymore; instead it will hit me mid morning or early afternoon and I will feel like sh*t sometimes, but that's another thing I've gotten used to.  Although I don't get to sleep much anymore, I'm fairly content (or maybe I should say resigned to) the reality that I'm not going to get much more than five hours a night.  Lately, I'll find myself going to bed at one and getting up at five thirty, dragging myself out of bed to go to the gym.  Yet I do love a good nap and if I ever have a free moment I grab some much needed zzz's.  Sleep can be a pain in the ass; napping, on the other hand, is paradise.   With everything being so busy in my life and so many emotions coming at me from every side possible, I might as well feel lucky that I sleep at all!