Wow....everything has changed; nothing has changed.

 

"...a feeling of loneliness, so vast that even its own pain seems swallowed in an enormous void."

-Ayn Rand   "Atlas Shrugged"

 I haven't posted or written a blog entry since September.  Quite a while indeed; in any case it's not important since nobody reads this particular blog of mine.  If I may sum up my last six months in a few words, those would be poems, heartbreak, bitterness, and school.  Alas, where shall I start?   Ah, friendships; they are a blessing, they are a curse, they are something totally foreign to me and as I grow to know more people, they leave me questioning the true values of this society.

 Well, contrary to a very logical consequence to a very illogical friendship, my best friend, (illusional girl of my dreams) is still holding on to me.   This women has and will have single handedly affect my relationships for the rest of my life; there's no doubt in my mind about that.  If you have been reading my previous entries, which I'm sure no one has, you will discover my story of the girl who refused to see me; this is the girl who I fell head over heals in love with.   This was the kind of love in which I was infatuated with her.  I gave her the rights to my heart, along with the rights to break such a heart.  Why you ask?  In a world where privacy and distance rules, why would I be so daring as to give my heart to a girl who can't bare to see me, let alone express her love for me?   Well the answer is quite simple; because I love her, love her more than anything in the world.  The fact of that still perplexes me; still leaves me shaking my head, telling myself that only an idiot would fall in love with a friend who has no intent of a close relationship in mind whatsoever.  Well I think it was established long ago that I am, indeed, that idiot.  Do I regret it?  Definitely not!     Nevertheless, it gave her quite a hard time and much yelling ensued, all done by her of course; such is the fact I don't get mad at those I love, for why would I?   Oh how I hate when she gets so mad!!  It's like someone reaches into my heart and pulls.  It literally paralyzed me when I realized that, after 10 years of controlled emotions, she was able to break me down to tears, touching my heart like no one had ever been able.  On the other hand, I remember that she doesn't like a lot of aspects of my personality; nevertheless, throughout the multiple chances she's had to remove me from her life, she has held more or less steady.    Hmmm....I have mostly stopped trying to find logic behind her actions, yet that one still puzzles me; it's one I'm glad she makes.  I could write a book about this one girl; as such, let's just say that she still has the craziest affect on this man's heart.  It's a sad fact that, as I get to know more people, my heart is one that is getting very tired and cynical.

Increasingly I have become resentful; questioning whether there's simply an issue with society, that we as a people are so closed that when someone tries to get close we freak, or is it just unreasonable and unjust to want to share your friend's lives??   Sadly, tragically, most of my friends insist on "texting" as our main, and sometimes ONLY, form of communication.   Thus, the conflict begins; how does one conduct a close friendship solely over texting?  It really doesn't surprise me that I've encountered multiple problems and much heart ache due in part to this aspect.  It would seem our society, obsessed with "writing" emotions rather than speaking them, has defaulted to a point where you're expected to like texting. It's a great burden to me to have such a harsh reality placed upon my heart.  At first, I assumed it was just the personalities of the few friends I had, then as I made more, losing a few on the way, I began to realize that such is the case with everyone; people don't like to be well known.    Nevertheless, I didn't stop trying; continually reaching out to people in this city.  Was that a mistake?  For it would seem, from my experience, that spending time with friends is wrong as is talking on the phone to them; yes, I know, TEXT TEXT TEXT.  Seemingly they're too busy to speak to me on the phone, thus bringing me to another point.
  How does one define a friend?  Is it seeing the other all the time, or talking everyday?  How about having those long conversations where you tell each other everything about you?  In contrast, it would appear to be the opposite; secrets and "privacy" rule while any attempt to really get to "know" your friend is fiercly shunned.  Such a shame; a cause for me to shake my head in disappointment.  Yet not at my friends, for they are just conforming to the values of the people.  Rather, it feels as if society has let me down.  In an age where we put our whole lives online, it's despairing to find that with our supposed friends, we hold so many grudges against said friend getting to know us.  In fact, I have lost friends simply for that reason; each one filling my heart with bitterness, coupled with despise.    While on the other hand, who really wants to put up with me?  I must admit I'm not the easiest friend to have; by the very words of a friend who let me have it yesterday, I'm "needy and intense" and just plainly "f***ing annoying".   Interestingly, perhaps unfortunately, I care a great deal about this person, and consequently was, and still am, quite upset with how I made her feel.  She evidently was tired of talking to me everyday and, knowing I don't respond well to "nice" words, felt compelled to call me the bastard that I can be.  Upset? Indeed I am, but surprised I am not.  I realize and accept the fact, albeit resentfully and bitterly, that most people don't respond well to my attitude towards friendship once they get to know me.   That is unfortunate, largely depressing, but who am I to say what is likable about myself?
  It's like I'm standing on a cliff, below which runs miles of rapids laced with rocks.  Each person I meet has the ability to push me closer to that edge and initiate my subsequent death.  It's a power I willingly give them, for if you're going to be friends, you mustn't shield your heart.  I often ponder why I haven't jumped myself, for there seems to be a trend leading to such an end anyways.  I think to the future and only see desolation most of the time; I will have achieved my Masters or PhD from a prestigrous university, perhaps published a book of poems, but inside at the core of my existance I will be as barren as a desert.  It's a destiny I am working hard to change, while questioning if one can actually have an impact on a path already made for them?
 
 As such, these have been my days of late, and while I'm basking in a glow of knowledge from college, I find myself falling back on that same old question; if you go through life as a lone tree in a desert, desperately clinging to any hint of nourishment, of life, that comes trickling your way, who could argue if that tree decided to surrender to the sun? 
 

It Seems So Cliche', Yet It's True

   Well, I knew it would happen; yet how does one prepare oneself for a breakup?  I no longer am talking to the girl of my dreams.   The first few days after we broke up were OK, and I thought maybe, just maybe, I could do this and keep my eyes dry.  What a fool I was for believing that.
 

Back to School; End of a Friendship?

     It's that time of year; people are just getting a feel for their professors, finding their way around campus, and starting to have a boatload of homework to do.  Yes, I am talking about the university and college students, the future of this world.  Yet just because you go back to school, maybe even work as well and you're ridiculously busy, does that mean you just ignore all your friends?  Just leave them to stand in the background, not return their texts, not have time to see them?  If they really mean something to you, wouldn't you find time for them in your life?  

Last Day of Summer; Last Day of Freedom

  Well, this is it, I'm going to back to school tomorrow; this is officially my last day of summer.  And I am having a bloody good day at that!  I ran around like a chicken with its head cut off on Saturday, cooking, shopping, and just generally getting everything ready for school on Monday.   As much as it would've been easier to do some of the work today, I am glad to be able to fully relax today.  Things are about to get crazy in starting tomorrow.

Why Do I Do This To Myself; I'm Such A Fool..

  

    Lately, I really don't know what I'm doing.  I find myself hanging on and staying in a friendship with a girl, when we both know full well that we weren't meant for each other.  It's been the elephant in the room that we've both been ignoring; yet I ask myself, how long is it before one of us gets hit with its trunk.

Cynical About Love? Me?

   It was only one comment, yet I'm still wondering about it; I had a girl come to look at the apartment the other day who apparently read this blog, concluding I had a cynical view on love.   Well, let's explore that shall we.

I Need to Stop Taking Things for Granted

  My eyes were forced wide open the other day; I thought I had lost the one girl I truly love, forever.  I was crushed; a total emotional mess.  Stunned to my core, I went through the days in a haze, not sleeping, not hungry; I've never been more upset in my life.  I didn't know what to do; but one thing I did know, I had to get her back, no matter what.

The Break Up; With a Platonic Relationship?

"I'm going to smile and make you think I'm happy, I'm going to laugh, so you don't see me cry, I'm going to let you go in style, and even if it kills me - I'm gong to smile."


  

  Well, judging by my silent phone lately, a few relationships in my life are over.  There was lot's of talks about what we each wanted out of the relationship, and it was just too different and conflicting to get past.  I'm disappointed that through all my love for them we couldn't work out our differences, yet love was the problem to start.  I felt nothing but pure love towards them, while they didn't love me and wished that I didn't feel that way about them either; consequently we were often at odds over our relationship.

So This Night Didn't Turn Out The Best...but it Got a Little Better

  Well, I am at The Backstage Lounge as usual.  Yet I got here a little too early; the music is just starting now (10pm) and I got here at nine-ish.  Oh well, that's why I have my laptop with me.  I've been trying to figure out how to edit the HTML code of my blog so that I can use whatever picture I want for my background image.  Therefore, I have been reading up on editing blogs for a while and have gotten to learn some stuff (how to put music in a post, how to put a "read more" link on the homepage), yet really I am just as clueless as when I started this site.  I really need to find someone who can help me figure this sh*t out.  

Summer 2011; The Good, The Bad, And Everything in Between

  Well, it's not quite over yet, but my summer has more or less come to an end.  In September I will be heading back to school to start my career as a Personal Trainer, I just got a new job, I've loved, lost, found, and loved again.  My mom is moving out and I'm going to be living with a roommate or on my own, went through a few vehicles, a few jobs, reconnected with my cousins; yes it's been quite a summer by anyone's standards.

A Torn Heart; A Confused Path

  Lately these days, the dominating thought on my mind has been; should I let go of the friend I love, or stay in a relationship with her that's eating me up?  If I stay will she eventually come to trust me in the way I want; in the way I need?  Or will there always be that gap between us, that tension that has caused me to lose so much sleep in this last week?  We can't know what lies ahead in our future; we have to guess and take a chance that what we chose was the right decision.  Especially when it comes to matters of the heart; often the choices we make can't be undone.  It's for this reason why they are so hard to make; so intimidating.

Maybe It's Not Meant to Be; Maybe No One's Meant for Me

  Love

If you have it,

You don't need anything else...

And if you don't have it,

It doesn't matter much what else you have

These days I haven't been sleeping; the way my relationships are going I guess that's not surprising.  Knowing I will lie awake for hours, I don't even bother trying to get more than four hours sleep anymore; certainly not enough even for me.   Consequently, the lack of sleep isn't helping smooth things over with my loved one's either.  I always thought that eventually in life I would find some people; friends, partners, lovers, for me.  I never was looking for a lot; rather I was hopeful to find someone with whom to spend time with, to talk with everyday.  I always wanted someone, or a few people, who I could be close enough to to call whenever, for whatever reason.  Growing up surrounded by laughing teenagers, by couples, I always thought that there weren't any rules with people you love; apparently, as I have recently found out, there are a abundance.

The Promise Threatened by Love

  Promises are made to be broken; just like rules.  No, I still don't believe that; if you make a promise you keep it.   Yet when love becomes thrown in the mix, the promises you once made can be threatened.  You never plan for that to happen; we tend to always underestimate the power of love.
  The problem is that when you make a promise, it's a conscious thought; you know what you're promising at the time.  Nevertheless, as time goes by, your feelings change for that person; even if that means they just become deeper.  You know what you feel can, and most likely will, get you in trouble; yet it's love, you need to embrace it.

Trying to Force Relationships

  We would all like our relationships with others to last and work out.  Whether it's family, friends, or that special someone, we never enter it expecting or wanting it to end.  We try hard to make it work, because we don't want to lose them.  Yet sometimes two people are just to different for the relationship to work out.  When you love someone, or even like them, you are supposed to like them for who they are, not who you want them to be.  You're not going into a relationship with someone with a plan to change them into the person you want them to be.

Who to Love; Who to Trust?

     The issue of trust and love keeps coming back to me; two things that, while are synonymous, have varying degrees which can make things very complicated.  For some people, trust comes easily to them; they believe people are good in this world and put their faith in that. While others have been hurt in the past and consequently have a hard time letting people into their lives again.  It's never a concrete decision when you choose to give someone the benefit of the doubt; you are taking a chance, sometimes a pretty big one.
  As I said there's varying degrees of trust and it is shown in our everyday actions. For example, when you hail a cab, you're trusting the driver to get you to your destination safely; when you drive with someone else they are trusting you to drive safely.  Then there are the deeper aspects of trust; you trust your friends to be there for you and not betray you, you trust your employers to pay you everyday.  Trust is all around us in our lives, but the kind I want to talk about is trust between friends.
  When you meet someone, there's always that "first impression"; that instinctual feeling you get just from saying hi.  You start talking and your trust grows; or quickly falls, depending on what they say and how they say it.   If there's enough trust and you like them, you become friends; taking a chance that the relationship will make your life better.  Let you have to be careful of who you let into your heart; they could just end up tearing it apart, taking a piece of you in the process.
   While there's always that chance that you are trusting the wrong person, I believe that's a chance you need to take.  The alternative is a lonely life.  Yet that's really the question isn't it?  Who do you trust?  Who do you love?  The heart isn't something to be played with, or to be taken lightly.  I believe when you decide to let someone in your heart, your life is enriched; for that to happen though, they have to let you into their heart as well, otherwise you will be in for a lot of pain to come.  The issue with love is a whole other...well...issue.  I think there's a definite point in the relationship when you consciously make the choice to let that person into your heart; when you decide to let down your walls.  When you do that though, you start to love them.  If there's a conscious controlled decision to trust someone, there isn't one when it comes to love.  Love makes your emotions go crazy, makes all rational thought come to a screeching halt.  Once that happens there's no turning back unless you're ready for a lot of pain.
   That's why it's pertinent that you choose carefully; you don't want to take this lightly and end up getting badly hurt in the end.  You need to make sure they trust and love you as well, because there;s nothing worse and more hurtful than when you love someone and they don't return those feelings.  The question of who to love, who to trust, isn't one that I believe can ever have a definite answer.  There's too many factors in life that change people, that mold people into who they are.    If you make the wrong decision and only realize it when you deeply love that person, then there's trouble.  For you realize it, but what do you do about it?   You  can't force someone to love you; you can't force someone to trust you.  They have to make that choice on their own.  Yet it's a tough place to find yourself in; you love them too much to leave, yet the fact that they don't feel the same way about you is killing you.
   While they may not hurt you with intent; that is to say they still consider you their friend, they don't feel comfortable with you to open up themselves.  There's still a million secrets between you and them; it begins to make you wonder if they really consider you a true friend.  For if friendship is all about trust and love, why don't they trust you?  What is it about you or your attitude that gives them pause?  It can feel like a deep insult to not be trusted like that.  That you know there's a whole other side to them, the "real" them as it were, that they don't want you to know about can put a lot of doubt in your mind.  You can try to talk to them about it, but chances are if they don't tell you about other things that are so emotionally deep, they won't want to talk about this if they don't consider you a close friend.  It just keeps coming back to that same question, who do you decide you will trust?  Because once you decide it's alright to trust them, love is sure to follow in short order.    While you might be able to let someone go because you know they don't have the same feelings for you and know that to stay in the relationship means a world of pain,  once you feel that deep love for them, it's something that can kill you to let them go.  And it's that type of pain that can hurt you for years to come.

The Argument

  No relationship is perfect; we all know that is true.  Perhaps I know that more than most.  Nevertheless, it rips me up when I am having a dispute with someone I love.  My stress level goes way up, and I feel awful about whatever it is I did.  Sometimes, I have to just wait out the storm; it would not help to talk about it.  Yet that doesn't mean I don't try; everybody reading this knows how I feel about communication in a relationship.
  All friends have arguments, it's just the way it is.  The key to a good relationship is to make up quickly and put it behind you both. Easier said than done. Especially when it's the same issue that keeps getting between you two.  Yet you have to just keep talking; apologizing, grovelling, whatever you need to do to make things right, until such a time as the offended friend forgives you.  Maybe not the most fun way to spend your time, but something that has to be done all the same. And while it has to be done, you also have to want to do it.  For there's no reason to say you're sorry if you don't feel it; no reason to fix a relationship you don't care much about.
  The early arguments are the hardest; they're the ones much more likely to end up with one of you saying "it's over" and meaning it.  Whereas in a older relationship you have created a bond of love and respect, when the relationship is still "young", there's none of the love, the caring, the respect, holding it together through the storm.  It's the tree analogy all over again.
   So be careful when the relationship is still young; you're just a five inch tree, easily crushed or blown away.  Be caring, be patient, eventually you will grow into a mighty oak; strong enough to withhold the fiercest of storms.

How to Keep From Losing Love?

You Never Stop Loving Someone
You Either Were Never In Love With Them
Or You Still Are

    Hopefully it's something you never have to experience in your life; yet unfortunately most people do.  How do you hang on to the one person or persons you really love?  Sometimes, you get to a point in a relationship when you can just feel something's different.  Maybe it starts out great; you're really good friends and have a lot of fun together. Then the inevitable arrives against all your greatest efforts and hopes; you have deeper feelings for them then they have for you.  I've written lots about this so far; when you love someone to a degree that they just don't feel.
  I am talking about the kind of love where you want to learn everything about them; want to spend time with them, no matter if they are in a bad mood or not.  When just their smile makes your whole day; when you can be perfectly content just staring into their eyes.  That kind of love is just indescribable really; you look at them or think of them and feel so much affection for them that you're at loss for words.
  You want to understand them, well enough to be able to know how they are feeling from just a look at their face; from just a simple conversation with them.  You are willing to go anywhere to meet them, do anything; the only thing you care about is being there with them.
  Yet what do you do when they don't feel the same way?  Or even close to that way?  You try to make it  work; to play by their rules.  The problem with that is love doesn't have rules; sooner or later you will start to miss them like crazy.  Maybe start to question the relationship; wondering why they don't seem to feel very much for you.  Those are dangerous thoughts; as I've said before they could easily lead to resentment, my most hated emotion.
  You can talk to them about it of course, try to understand how they feel and why they feel that way.  Then you have to look inside yourself; sit down and have a talk with yourself.  Think of all the emotions you feel, think of how your life was before that person came into it; how it has changed since.  The decision you make is not a light one that can be reversed.  It will hurt you; it will hurt them.  Yet sometimes it's worth taking that leap into uncharted waters; not everyone is meant to be friends.  When you both feel so much differently about the other, it creates tension everyday in the relationship.  This tension can be light and easily worked off, or it could be the kind that envelops you; eats away at you everyday until you're an emotional wreck.  Everyone has to compromise to some degree in any relationship, yet when one person is so unwilling to make any concessions it might not work out.  As everyone knows, relationships are about give and take; without it you're just asking for trouble.  So while you may love that person to death; be absolutely crazy about them, sometimes you have to realize that they don't feel the same way about you and it will always be an issue.  The best, albeit hardest thing you may have to do, is give them up.

Only You Know What's Best; Look Inside Your Heart

   I often ask myself, is love worth the pain?   My answer always was the same; of course it is, what's life without love?  Yet I'm not so sure anymore.  If each day you hurt because of your love for someone, is it really worth still keeping the relationship alive?  I think each one of us would have a different answer because when it comes to emotions, there's not a generic "solve all" solution.
  While you may not be able to help who you love, nor the intensity of that love, what you can do is decide if you can live with it still alive and breathing.  Each and everyday you may still be friends, may talk each night, yet if they don't feel the same and you don't mean all that much to them, you have a problem.  It hurts immensely and can be emotionally draining to love someone who doesn't feel the same, yet you're still friends. It all comes back to how they feel about you.  If you're friends with someone, and you deeply love the other and consider them your world, and your friend just thinks the relationship between you is just a casual thing, someone's going to end up getting very hurt; the chances are it won't be them.
  It may be better to just end the relationship before it gets any worst; for while you will eventually get over the other person once it's ended, if you remain friends and try to ignore it, you could spend everyday with a part of yourself hurting like crazy.  Love's definitely not a easy thing in life. It can be the best part of it, or it can be the part that causes incredible pain; I would say it's often both.  It's up to you to decide how much of it you want in your life; unfortunately it's not as simple as deciding you're not going to love someone just because you don't want to.
  It's not a easy decision to make, and most people make choices that they regret afterwards. Nevertheless, it isn't right to be in a relationship where you're always feeling a little pain at the circumstances; always wondering what you really mean to that person.  It may just be small at first, but emotional pain can spread fast through the body, sometimes leaving scars that will never fully heal.

Who Said Relationships Were Easy?

  Why are relationships so freaking hard?  I've never in my life experienced anything harder than what we call a relationship.  They're constant work to maintain, to build, to repair.  Like matter, they're constantly changing but never disappearing. I wish (almost) that we could read minds, because really, nobody would have any problems then.  I think the main problem in any relationship (and I know I've said this constantly in my posts) is misunderstanding.  Yet I will go a step further and add to that different amounts of trust and love.  In a perfect relationship, you would take two people who deeply love each other in the same way, with the same amount of commitment to their togetherness; then you would add in complete and blind trust, then lastly total disclosure and communication.  The end result?  A perfect relationship.
  The problem, of course, is no one does that.  There's always at least one person who holds something back, feels differently about the other, doesn't trust them completely...that's what creates the problems.  It doesn't always have to be love; you can just have a casual thing with someone.  Yet it's not the way the human mind works that everyone feels the same emotions; that would make for a pretty dull world.  On the other hand, it complicates things immensely when one person loves another with all their heart and the lovee, as it were, doesn't.  Then you have a issue.
  How can the relationship work if one of you feels completely different than the other?  I'm not saying it won't work and will always end in pain, yet it takes extremely more effort to make it work.  One of them has to decide if they can live by the other's conditions; while the other one has to choose whether or not they can be comfortable with being loved in that way, or intensity.  Talking about it always helps, but talking only about that is dangerous.  If that comes up in every conversation you have with each other, then all it will lead to eventually is arguing; if it is a big enough issue it could even threaten the maintainability of the relationship.  If all either of you can think about is that one conflict, then sooner or later you're both going to end up fighting and maybe even feel some resentment towards the other.  When it comes to that, resentment, I believe, is one of the most dangerous words to have in your head.  "I resent him/her" is not just saying you don't like some aspects of them, but that you actually resent their being.  Very risky stuff and you should think carefully if that is really the word you wish to use.
   It's certainly hard to do, but two people can definitely be friends, even if one feels a stronger emotional attachment than the other.  It's certainly hard to do.  Although again, in the end it all comes down to love; are you willing to give up someone you love just because you feel a stronger/different love than they do for you?
  That's not a easy question to ponder and sometimes it takes years to realize your answer, but it's one that has to be asked eventually if you're feeling like both of you are drifting apart.

You Say One Thing, Your Actions Say Another

   Ah, the old saying; actions speak louder than words. How true it is, yet how much weight can we really attribute to their actions when their words are so much different?  When people tell you one thing, then say the complete opposite with their doings, what are we to think.  I've said it before and I'll say it again; just say what you mean!