Gadget by The Blog Doctor.
Read more: http://www.blogdoctor.me/2009/01/random-rotating-post-gadget-with.html#ixzz1X8tUqQzR

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Take a Deep Breath and Let It Out Slowly...Breath In, Breath Out...


 Well one of the things that I dread the most has happened; I'm SICK!   Every time this happens I go crazy, like "want to scream and pound the wall" crazy.  In light of recent events and trying to change my attitude vastly to preserve relationships, this is really NOT a good time to be sick.

Monday, August 29, 2011

I Must Say: A Pretty Good Day

As the day comes to an end; I find myself here yet again.  Of course, I am talking about The Backstage Lounge, my favourite hangout.  I am content, happy; siting at one of my favored places, writing and listening to music.  Pretty good way to end the night, if you ask me.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Still No Roommate....

  Well, my ads been in Cragslist for a few weeks now; yet I'm still left scrambling to find someone to move in.  Thankfully, my mom's decided to wait until October to leave, so I have another month to keep looking.  With lowering the price, I'm not really sure what's keeping people from being interested.

Can I do It? There's so many distractions...

  Today I am trying to focus on the positive in my life; trying to be grateful for all I have instead of despairing over what I don't.  I need to stop getting stressed out and complaining about little everyday things that really, in the end, don't matter.  I really want to do this, for the next month at least.  It's just really hard to stay positive when there's so many forces trying to distract me.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Remember When...

  I saw an old manager of mine from when I first started my job at McDonald's; I will always remember him for his peculiar name, Prince, and his good looks.  I haven't worked with him for over a year, and seeing him brought back memories and got me thinking how much I miss, the way life used to be.

What A Beautiful City!

  Well, it was just so nice I had to go down to the beach.  So here I find myself at Jericho yet again, sitting in the hot sun and marvelling at this amazing city that is Vancouver.   The view itself is breath taking; sitting on a bench looking across the water I see West Vancouver, probably one of my favourite cities of all time.  It just has a different feel than here, smaller, cleaner, and somewhat more posh, if I may use that word.  Yet I thank my lucky stars to live five minutes away from two different beaches; lot's of people only dream of that.

What A Beautiful Day!

 Well, it's another stunning morning; while sunny and warm we also have a nice breeze, my kind of day!  I am planning to go down to the beach later this afternoon; even if to just sleep.  Yet knowing me, I will probably write for a few hours, until my laptop battery dies.  Yes, I am looking forward to this afternoon!

Friday, August 26, 2011

So Much To Do; So Little Time

  Well, here I am at The Backstage Lounge again.  It's looking to be a fun night (my feet are tapping, my head is bopping and I am aching to get on that dance floor!).  For a night out on the town, you can't really beat this place.  Excellent music, awesome staff, awesome customers, just a all around good place to go.  It's jazz/swing night here, and the dance floor is hopping.  Of course, I shouldn't stay late as I'm getting up early tomorrow, but you know what?  F*ck sleep!   I'm getting so much older everyday and soon will not be able to do this nightly.

I Need to Stop Taking Things for Granted

  My eyes were forced wide open the other day; I thought I had lost the one girl I truly love, forever.  I was crushed; a total emotional mess.  Stunned to my core, I went through the days in a haze, not sleeping, not hungry; I've never been more upset in my life.  I didn't know what to do; but one thing I did know, I had to get her back, no matter what.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

The Break Up; With a Platonic Relationship?

"I'm going to smile and make you think I'm happy, I'm going to laugh, so you don't see me cry, I'm going to let you go in style, and even if it kills me - I'm gong to smile."


  Well, judging by my silent phone lately, a few relationships in my life are over.  There was lot's of talks about what we each wanted out of the relationship, and it was just too different and conflicting to get past.  I'm disappointed that through all my love for them we couldn't work out our differences, yet love was the problem to start.  I felt nothing but pure love towards them, while they didn't love me and wished that I didn't feel that way about them either; consequently we were often at odds over our relationship.

A New Roommate; A New Friend?

  Well, it was beginning to look bleak; for after a few weeks of having my ad in Cragslist, no one had replied.  Actually, that's not quite true; about five to ten people replied, yet ended up declining my offer. I thought maybe the rent (800) was too high, so down it went.  Well just a few days ago I got a reply from a student from Sweden who's attending UBC in the next year; he was very interested and wanted to see the place.  My hopes were high, as I was tired of scheduling viewings.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

So This Night Didn't Turn Out The Best...but it Got a Little Better

  Well, I am at The Backstage Lounge as usual.  Yet I got here a little too early; the music is just starting now (10pm) and I got here at nine-ish.  Oh well, that's why I have my laptop with me.  I've been trying to figure out how to edit the HTML code of my blog so that I can use whatever picture I want for my background image.  Therefore, I have been reading up on editing blogs for a while and have gotten to learn some stuff (how to put music in a post, how to put a "read more" link on the homepage), yet really I am just as clueless as when I started this site.  I really need to find someone who can help me figure this sh*t out.  

What Does the Future Hold for Me?


  This is something I often wonder about; what is to become of me?  I have two different conflicting trains of thought on this; first, I'm not getting any younger and each day that passes when I'm not taking affirmative action towards my future, not having it all planned out as it was, is grating on me.  Second, the days are going impossibly slow, every minute seeming like an hour; I just want to settle into my career, start a family, and lay back and watch my life unfold.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Summer 2011; The Good, The Bad, And Everything in Between

  Well, it's not quite over yet, but my summer has more or less come to an end.  In September I will be heading back to school to start my career as a Personal Trainer, I just got a new job, I've loved, lost, found, and loved again.  My mom is moving out and I'm going to be living with a roommate or on my own, went through a few vehicles, a few jobs, reconnected with my cousins; yes it's been quite a summer by anyone's standards.

Love Hurts

  Love. The root of all happiness, or the destruction of the soul.  It's often said that love complicates life; it truly does.
   I never really understood before that feeling you get; the one where your heart fills with joy when you see that one person, when you talk to them.  It doesn't make any logical sense; the same soaring of the spirit and the same goofy smile on your face every time.  You would think that over time this effect would fade away, and maybe it does; I haven't known anybody long enough to find out.  Yet so far it hasn't, and I'm stumped.  

Monday, August 22, 2011

The Joy of the Afternoon Nap

  We all had them when we were kids; come early to mid afternoon and it was time to lay down and close our eyes for awhile.  Lot's of us, at that age, were full of energy and excitement and didn't want to slow down for a second.  Now, several years later, I truly love the value and pleasure of the afternoon slumber.
Doesn't it Look Nice?

Oh the Rain! Please Go Away!

  The Rain by Robert Creeley

All night the sound had
come back again,
and again falls
this quite, persistent rain.

What am I to myself
that must be remembered,
insisted upon
so often? Is it

that never the ease,
even the hardness,
of rain falling
will have for me

something other than this,
something not so insistent--
am I to be locked in this
final uneasiness.

Love, if you love me,
lie next to me.
Be for me, like rain,
the getting out

of the tiredness, the fatuousness, the semi-
lust of intentional indifference.
Be wet
with a decent happiness.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

A New Job, AGAIN..a Chronicle of my Employment Disaster

  Well, nobody ever said working was easy; nor is it something most people want to do.  Nevertheless, that's not the issue for me. I am not thrilled to go to work everyday, yet I do enjoy meeting new people and of course I must have my nice things. While other people may have a lot of difficulty finding jobs, I am starting at my third job since May!  Finding jobs is easy; keeping them, on the other hand, that's the tricky part.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

A Torn Heart; A Confused Path

  Lately these days, the dominating thought on my mind has been; should I let go of the friend I love, or stay in a relationship with her that's eating me up?  If I stay will she eventually come to trust me in the way I want; in the way I need?  Or will there always be that gap between us, that tension that has caused me to lose so much sleep in this last week?  We can't know what lies ahead in our future; we have to guess and take a chance that what we chose was the right decision.  Especially when it comes to matters of the heart; often the choices we make can't be undone.  It's for this reason why they are so hard to make; so intimidating.

Maybe It's Not Meant to Be; Maybe No One's Meant for Me

If you have it,
You don't need anything else...
And if you don't have it,
It doesn't matter much what else you have

These days I haven't been sleeping; the way my relationships are going I guess that's not surprising.  Knowing I will lie awake for hours, I don't even bother trying to get more than four hours sleep anymore; certainly not enough even for me.   Consequently, the lack of sleep isn't helping smooth things over with my loved one's either.  I always thought that eventually in life I would find some people; friends, partners, lovers, for me.  I never was looking for a lot; rather I was hopeful to find someone with whom to spend time with, to talk with everyday.  I always wanted someone, or a few people, who I could be close enough to to call whenever, for whatever reason.  Growing up surrounded by laughing teenagers, by couples, I always thought that there weren't any rules with people you love; apparently, as I have recently found out, there are a abundance.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

The Promise Threatened by Love

  Promises are made to be broken; just like rules.  No, I still don't believe that; if you make a promise you keep it.   Yet when love becomes thrown in the mix, the promises you once made can be threatened.  You never plan for that to happen; we tend to always underestimate the power of love.
  The problem is that when you make a promise, it's a conscious thought; you know what you're promising at the time.  Nevertheless, as time goes by, your feelings change for that person; even if that means they just become deeper.  You know what you feel can, and most likely will, get you in trouble; yet it's love, you need to embrace it.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

When You Realize You Love Someone Who Will Never Feel the Same; that "Oh Fuck, I love her" Moment

  What do you do is this situation?  The moment that you discover you love someone, yet they will never feel the same.  You may be friends, or just co workers; although you may not be really close to them, you know enough about them to love them.  They become the focus of your world, just talking to them about their day makes you happy beyond your comprehension.  You want to learn about them, you want to know all their pains in life.  The sound of their voice makes you smile; they pop into your thoughts throughout the day.
  Yet, as strongly as you may feel about them, you know they will never return those feelings in the same way.  Whether they just outright tell you that or do it subtly, you just know.  The great majority of the time, it's a subtle message you get; they text other friends all the time but ignore you, are unwilling or reluctant to tell you much about themselves besides the basics, maybe make plans to get together and then cancel at the last minute.
  Whatever the case may be, they are putting up walls between you and them, walls that only they can bring down.  You find yourself having that "oh f*ck, I love them" moment; the one where you know that it's only going to cause you pain in the end to love someone who doesn't love you; nevertheless even though you know that, you can't give them up in your heart.  They may "like" you; indeed, most certainly they do if you guys are friends.  Nevertheless, they will hide many things in their life from you, and when they are upset, excited, or just feeling the need to talk to someone, they would rather not choose you as that person.  Of course, if you talk to them about the friendship, they may say that they value you and consider you a very close friend, yet those two words that have become so critical in a relationship are missing; "Love" and "Trust".   For if one of you feels that way while the other doesn't, you can sometimes wind up finding yourself, as I like to call it, "royally f**k*d"
  The reason for this is when you get to this point, unlike some other situations, you really are between a rock and a hard place; you can either accept that they will always hide things from you and never return your feelings, or you can take the "unthinkable" route and part ways with them in your life.  I call it "unthinkable" because when you love someone, as people know, the hardest thing for you to do is give them up or lose them.  Yet what can happen if you don't move on without them, is that everyday you may wind up either pitying yourself for not having the will to move on, or just taking a bitter attitude towards the entire situation and being miserable all the time.
  The choice is one that can be discussed with the one you love, yet only to a point.  For ultimately, when they have already said that they will never fully let you into their lives like you need, the time comes when you need to decide which is best for you; what you can live with.  Sometimes it feels like you can live with neither, yet you still need to make it; the effects of that one decision can follow you for the rest of your life.  I think you need to let them go, or accept it without being hurt. For in the end, everything being equal, loving someone and wishing that they will love you back, yet knowing they won't; that's no way to live.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

It's Not Just Lack of Sleep

  I have lot's of energy.  I can walk for hours on end without tiring; can go to the gym three hours a day on four hours sleep.  Do I get physically tired sometimes? Sure I do; most certainly I'm not Superman.  Yet for the most part it's the emotional tired; the kind you can't do anything about.  The kind that no amount of sleep can cure.
  Don't think I haven't thought it was from lack of sleep; it would certainly be the obvious answer.  I have only been getting on average four hours sleep a night, not that much by anybody's standards.  Nevertheless, I've been sleeping like that for weeks now and have more or less gotten used to it.  The problem (or maybe advantage) with me is that I'm OK to go on very little sleep and still have lots of physical energy; I guess it's just the wonder of being nineteen.  For example, I can have four hours or seven hours (which I got last night) and I still feel exactly the same in the morning.  I'm glad of this because not everyone can go on this amount of sleep; I've always hoped that I would be able to.
  It's not that kind of tired.  As I mentioned in a previous post of mine, there's a lot of areas of my life that need to be changed.  And while I am planning to do just that, it's not something that can be done in the blink of an eye.  The thing about emotional problems is that they need a lot of fine tuning, or small adjustments as it were.  Like a fine piece of woodwork, emotions need lot's of attention to detail, and you need to be patient with them. That can be extremely frustrating and most of all draining.
  It would be nice to have the kind of relationship that's, for the most part anyways, smooth. Yet that's not my fate in life it seems.  Lot's of times I think to myself; "just f*ck it all, give up on the relationship part and focus solely on yourself".  Yet then again, what is life without other people in it?    People bring the essential aspect of love to your being; the tricky part is getting the right kind of people.
  I used to sleep lot's, and I mean lot's.  Ten hours a night was my average back then, and I thought I would die if I got any less (I've always been a overly dramatic person).  Yet if everything else goes OK in my life, four to five hours is fine; six is a luxury.  The problem is that, while physically I am good to go, my capacity to deal with emotional problems and analyze any given situation is significantly diminished when I'm running on four hours sleep a night.  This is the reason for the "tiredness" I am feeling.
  Yet sometimes this kind of thing happens to people, and sometimes the most logical choice is to change your lifestyle.  That can mean anything from starting a new job, moving to a new place, or changing the kind of friends you have, and everything else in between.  It can be an overwhelming notion; can be scary.  Nevertheless, it could significantly improve your life; in the process you could fine the one thing, or person, that's been missing.
  I am beginning to think a change like that is in order for me; with my mom leaving, having to find a roommate to live with, starting school, and (hopefully) finding a new job, I am brightened that my life will soon be getting that kind of change I'm beginning to desire so much.

Trying to Force Relationships

  We would all like our relationships with others to last and work out.  Whether it's family, friends, or that special someone, we never enter it expecting or wanting it to end.  We try hard to make it work, because we don't want to lose them.  Yet sometimes two people are just to different for the relationship to work out.  When you love someone, or even like them, you are supposed to like them for who they are, not who you want them to be.  You're not going into a relationship with someone with a plan to change them into the person you want them to be.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Who to Love; Who to Trust?

     The issue of trust and love keeps coming back to me; two things that, while are synonymous, have varying degrees which can make things very complicated.  For some people, trust comes easily to them; they believe people are good in this world and put their faith in that. While others have been hurt in the past and consequently have a hard time letting people into their lives again.  It's never a concrete decision when you choose to give someone the benefit of the doubt; you are taking a chance, sometimes a pretty big one.
  As I said there's varying degrees of trust and it is shown in our everyday actions. For example, when you hail a cab, you're trusting the driver to get you to your destination safely; when you drive with someone else they are trusting you to drive safely.  Then there are the deeper aspects of trust; you trust your friends to be there for you and not betray you, you trust your employers to pay you everyday.  Trust is all around us in our lives, but the kind I want to talk about is trust between friends.
  When you meet someone, there's always that "first impression"; that instinctual feeling you get just from saying hi.  You start talking and your trust grows; or quickly falls, depending on what they say and how they say it.   If there's enough trust and you like them, you become friends; taking a chance that the relationship will make your life better.  Let you have to be careful of who you let into your heart; they could just end up tearing it apart, taking a piece of you in the process.
   While there's always that chance that you are trusting the wrong person, I believe that's a chance you need to take.  The alternative is a lonely life.  Yet that's really the question isn't it?  Who do you trust?  Who do you love?  The heart isn't something to be played with, or to be taken lightly.  I believe when you decide to let someone in your heart, your life is enriched; for that to happen though, they have to let you into their heart as well, otherwise you will be in for a lot of pain to come.  The issue with love is a whole other...well...issue.  I think there's a definite point in the relationship when you consciously make the choice to let that person into your heart; when you decide to let down your walls.  When you do that though, you start to love them.  If there's a conscious controlled decision to trust someone, there isn't one when it comes to love.  Love makes your emotions go crazy, makes all rational thought come to a screeching halt.  Once that happens there's no turning back unless you're ready for a lot of pain.
   That's why it's pertinent that you choose carefully; you don't want to take this lightly and end up getting badly hurt in the end.  You need to make sure they trust and love you as well, because there;s nothing worse and more hurtful than when you love someone and they don't return those feelings.  The question of who to love, who to trust, isn't one that I believe can ever have a definite answer.  There's too many factors in life that change people, that mold people into who they are.    If you make the wrong decision and only realize it when you deeply love that person, then there's trouble.  For you realize it, but what do you do about it?   You  can't force someone to love you; you can't force someone to trust you.  They have to make that choice on their own.  Yet it's a tough place to find yourself in; you love them too much to leave, yet the fact that they don't feel the same way about you is killing you.
   While they may not hurt you with intent; that is to say they still consider you their friend, they don't feel comfortable with you to open up themselves.  There's still a million secrets between you and them; it begins to make you wonder if they really consider you a true friend.  For if friendship is all about trust and love, why don't they trust you?  What is it about you or your attitude that gives them pause?  It can feel like a deep insult to not be trusted like that.  That you know there's a whole other side to them, the "real" them as it were, that they don't want you to know about can put a lot of doubt in your mind.  You can try to talk to them about it, but chances are if they don't tell you about other things that are so emotionally deep, they won't want to talk about this if they don't consider you a close friend.  It just keeps coming back to that same question, who do you decide you will trust?  Because once you decide it's alright to trust them, love is sure to follow in short order.    While you might be able to let someone go because you know they don't have the same feelings for you and know that to stay in the relationship means a world of pain,  once you feel that deep love for them, it's something that can kill you to let them go.  And it's that type of pain that can hurt you for years to come.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

I'm Going to Miss My Hangout

  I have been going to The Backstage Lounge for a few months now.  I started off just going there once or twice a week, just for the heck of it.   Over time though, I've come to really like that bar.  The staff all know me by now, as I've been going there almost every night, and the atmosphere is really nice.  The music is good, the bartender is great; the couches are heaven.  Nevertheless, since I am going to class in September and it starts really early for me (9am), I will have to get used to going to bed earlier.  
  You may be thinking, "nine isn't early at all, what are you talking about?", well if you would indulge with me for a moment here.  I will be going to the gym before class, and to have enough time to do that, I will be getting up no later than five o'clock in the morning.  That's not a huge jump from normal; I'm only getting up half an hour earlier.  Yet, I will be in class for eight hours a day and will have to have some functioning brain cells during that time.  Unlike now, where it doesn't really matter how much sleep I am getting, I want to do well in this course; I want to do very well.  In order to do that, some sacrifices have to be made; those being that I am only going to be able to go out on Friday and Saturday from now on.  The only exception to that is when they start the music at seven, which isn't very often.  I don't know how challenging this course is going to be; consequently I am not sure how much sleep I'll need.  But until I start it and fine out, I want to try going to bed a little earlier.
   I will still go to The Backstage Lounge sometimes, even when it starts late; I seem to have trouble staying away from that place, not to mention it's my favorite way to just relax after a long day and let my mind go.  Still, it won't be the same as going there five or six nights a week; won't even be close.  That's just the way it works sometimes with life; you have to give up the things you want to get the things you need.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Where Does All the Junk Come From?

  In preparation for the up and coming move into the back bedroom of the house, I spent the night cleaning and clearing out my room.   I swear to god, the junk fairy keeps coming into my room and leaving crap that I don't need.  Every time I clean my room I throw away a big garbage bag of stuff.  Every time.  I don't buy stuff I don't use anymore, so I am not sure where all this stuff is coming from.  Maybe it's just the items I couldn't throw away last time but am able to this time.  Nevertheless, my room looks a lot better.
  I finally got rid of my desktop computer, which has been sitting dormant in my room for the last year and a half, after spending a long, tedious hour going through all the files and making sure I saved the ones I wanted; only then did I format the hard drive.   It's so nice to have that out of my room; it was taking up so much space!  I am planning to get myself a normal, conventional desk to write and study at.  
  I am still weary of getting rid of some things, which I really don't need in my life.  But as I already mentioned that in my last post I won't get into it again.    I was going to throw away all my old Nintendo consoles, but my cousin "strongly" persuaded me otherwise.  Apparently, I should sell them since I need the money; in yet another one of her infinite acts of kindness, she has offered to sell them for me.  While I have thought of selling them before, (I have three Gameboys, a Nintendo Game Cube, and all the accessories and games to go with them), I am just too lazy to do so.  Even giving them away for free seems to be a pain in the ass; you still have to put an ad in Cragslist, wait for a response, and arrange a pick up time with the person.  No way am I going to that much trouble when the garbage can is waiting with open arms, as it were.   So I gave in to her pleas (for she was pleading with me to let her sell them) and there's now three boxes of stuff with her name on it in my living room.  There's a few other things I don't use, but am keeping nevertheless; my DVD box sets, my writings and work from high school, and my sketch books, to name a few.  There's just some things that have to many memories to throw out.
  I just got rid of things today; I still need to clean the room.  I haven't cleaned anything in there yet, except for a little light dusting as I went along.  Cleaning it is not going to be an effortless task; everything needs to be done from vacuuming to washing the walls.  Yet that won't be until I have gotten all my things out of the room, which is still about a month away.  In the meantime, I want to get as much done as possible; as I said I haven't cleaned, really cleaned, up my room in about a year.   I will work on it some more tomorrow.
  There's something to be said to the almost therapeutic effect of cleaning though; it focuses your mind and allows you to temporarily let go of all the problems in your life.  Yet after all's said and done it's still cleaning; and really, who likes to do that?

I Admit It; I'm a bit of a PackRat

 Well, lot's of people do it; keep things in their house they don't use.  I do it as well; there's just a part of you that's attached to those items, even if you haven't used or looked at them in months or years.  Having to move into the back room of my house and clearing out my current room in the process, I look around and see thousands of dollars of things I don't use.
  Obviously, some things I do use and just have a lot of; for example I have two bookcases filled with novels.  I haven't read some of them in years but sooner or later I know I will go back to them.  The movies, on the other hand, are a different matter.  When you can watch virtually any movie or show online now, why would you want to, or need to, keep the physical DVDs?  I probably have around FIVE HUNDRED DVDs!  Do I ever watch any of them?  Nope, not a one; why then do I have such a hard time with the thought of throwing them out?  Maybe it's the money I spent on them, or the hundreds of hours I spent renting and burning copies of them.  For some reason or other I don't want to throw them out.  Yet the thing is, aside from the box sets I have, I know I will never watch them again; why would I bother when it's so much easier to watch the same thing online?
  When I was young I often would watch movies a million times; now I watch them once and move on to something new.  That is to say when I watch a movie, which is about once every two to three months.  It just doesn't interest me to sit and stare at a TV watching a stupid story of someone's imagination unfold.  I'd rather write, read a book, learn something new, go for a walk...there's so many more interesting things to do then watch tv.  Of course, I have my vices too; I have a peculiar weakness for vampire shows; there's a few other shows I follow during the fall as well.  Nevertheless, it's a very very small part of my life. Very small.
   It amazes me that when I clean my room (I'm ashamed to admit that's not very often), I always have a garbage bag of sh*t I throw out.  Why then does my room never seem to have less stuff in it?  I'm stumped; one of the mysteries of life I guess!  Since I am going to be moving all my stuff into the back room, I have to go through everything.  It's not going to be fun and I must say I'm dreading the task.  When I do go through it though, I am vowing to get rid of everything and anything I haven't used in the last few months; books and sentimentals being the exception.  The room I am moving into is going to be bigger but I am not entertaining the thought that I can have more room for cr*p.  I want the room to be as minimal as possible in material possesions, and have a lot of space to move in there.   My wonderful cousin has offered to help me sort through and get rid of stuff I don't need; she might rescind her offer though when she sees the state of my room.
   This is the perfect analogy of my life at the moment; sorting through everything and getting rid of the crap that's cluttering it up.  While it will be a big task, I am happy and grateful to say I don't have to do it alone.

Monday, August 8, 2011

The Argument

  No relationship is perfect; we all know that is true.  Perhaps I know that more than most.  Nevertheless, it rips me up when I am having a dispute with someone I love.  My stress level goes way up, and I feel awful about whatever it is I did.  Sometimes, I have to just wait out the storm; it would not help to talk about it.  Yet that doesn't mean I don't try; everybody reading this knows how I feel about communication in a relationship.
  All friends have arguments, it's just the way it is.  The key to a good relationship is to make up quickly and put it behind you both. Easier said than done. Especially when it's the same issue that keeps getting between you two.  Yet you have to just keep talking; apologizing, grovelling, whatever you need to do to make things right, until such a time as the offended friend forgives you.  Maybe not the most fun way to spend your time, but something that has to be done all the same. And while it has to be done, you also have to want to do it.  For there's no reason to say you're sorry if you don't feel it; no reason to fix a relationship you don't care much about.
  The early arguments are the hardest; they're the ones much more likely to end up with one of you saying "it's over" and meaning it.  Whereas in a older relationship you have created a bond of love and respect, when the relationship is still "young", there's none of the love, the caring, the respect, holding it together through the storm.  It's the tree analogy all over again.
   So be careful when the relationship is still young; you're just a five inch tree, easily crushed or blown away.  Be caring, be patient, eventually you will grow into a mighty oak; strong enough to withhold the fiercest of storms.

The Phenomenon of Loving

  Sometimes it hits me, at just a random time of the day; how can we love people so much?  Unlike the way you choose your friends, you don't choose who to love.  Sure maybe in the beginning you decide to trust them, decide to get closer to them; to get to know them.  Yet when it hits you that you love them, there's pretty much nothing you can do about it. They brighten your world, make you smile each and every day; make you laugh, cry, say stupid things, say things that ruins that tough image you may want to have.  You can't control it, although you try.  When you find the person that means everything to you, it is the best point of your life; that is to say, if they love you back.
  That person becomes your world, everything they say intrigues you; their smile knocks you off your feet.  You may have known them for years; gone to school with them, worked with them.  Yet you never really got to know each other.  It happens everyday; people reconnect after years to become friends.  Even though you may have not known them well before, the fact that you already know each other's name even creates the first part of the foundation that friendship is built upon.  You wonder how they could of been there before your eyes the whole time; while you haven't seen them.  All the memories you could of had; the years spent building the relationship gone, you have to start late, as it were.
   You don't quite understand how you can feel this way; how can one person mean so very much to you, be your last thought at night and the first in the morning.  Yet that is the reality; that is the truth.  Love is truly a phenomenon; nobody really understands it and we all have that moment where we feel like we are stumbling around in the dark, wondering how we could be so blind.   For love is truly blinding; when you love someone they are everything, you see nothing else.  When they walk into the same room as you, your eyes seek them out and then hold steady; you're totally oblivious to everything else around you.
   I don't think we will ever understand how love works exactly; and maybe we don't want to.  For while we want desperately to understand, the mystery is a big part of the attraction; of that excited feeling you get, of those glistening eyes that captured your heart.  Often, it's better to just accept something for what it is and enjoy it while it lasts then to try to analyze it to the point of destroying it; the mass spectrometer will show you everything in whatever sample it's analyzing, no secrets, no unknowns.  Yet to do that, to reveal everything in its element, the sample is destroyed and can never be brought back.   You have to realize that understanding something to the fullest extent, spending all your time analyzing it, can cause you to miss its beauty; can cause you to truly miss out on having and feeling something that won't be the same when you understand it.

A New Exciting Start; Finally!

  Well, after a period of my life where I was just drifting along waiting for something to happen, it's finally here.  I've decided since I am out of work anyways right now and not having very much luck that I would go to school.  It's not glamorous, not a prominent university; I am going to a private fitness company to become a certified personal trainer.  I've been wanting to do this with my life for the last few years and every year it feels more right; this is what I was meant to do.
    It's a full time course, 9-5, five days a week for twelve long weeks.  After that I take a separate nutrition course.  It won't be easy, and I must say I am somewhat anxious about it; I haven't been in school for a long time and wasn't the most motivated student when I was.  Of course, I wasn't learning about something I have such a passion for either.  The classes are small, you get lots of support, and even get a free membership to the gym they train you in.  It doesn't start until September, which is coming on way faster then I would like (I don't want the sunshine to go away!).  Nevertheless, I am happy to finally be getting on with my life and working towards a plan for the future.
   I will be living on my own soon, and that means I am going to need extra money.  While I won't get full time work right away, I am told there are plenty of gyms always looking to hire new personal trainers.   It is also about time I learn more about nutrition, yet that won't be this term; one thing at a time.  It is my hope that taking this course will teach me the tricks and strategies I need to finally get into good shape and lose all this weight (I still need to lose a few inches on my waist).  Injury prevention will also be high on my list as it seems I have been riddled with one injury or another over the past four months.  Only now am I starting to get back to my full workouts again, and I am taking things very slowly.
  My life isn't the greatest right now; there's lot's of things I want to change and I still haven't made time yet to have that talk with myself I keep meaning to do.  Nevertheless, I'm still here living it, and have my wonderful cousins to get me through the stressful times and make me laugh.  Gotta love family!
  Even though I haven't started anything yet (not until September 12), my spirits are brightened that I am finally doing something with my life after all these years of first being a kid, and then the teens; finally my life seems to slowly be taking shape.  I can see the light at the end of the road, and the darkness is receding slowly, day by day.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

How to Keep From Losing Love?

You Never Stop Loving Someone
You Either Were Never In Love With Them
Or You Still Are
    Hopefully it's something you never have to experience in your life; yet unfortunately most people do.  How do you hang on to the one person or persons you really love?  Sometimes, you get to a point in a relationship when you can just feel something's different.  Maybe it starts out great; you're really good friends and have a lot of fun together. Then the inevitable arrives against all your greatest efforts and hopes; you have deeper feelings for them then they have for you.  I've written lots about this so far; when you love someone to a degree that they just don't feel.
  I am talking about the kind of love where you want to learn everything about them; want to spend time with them, no matter if they are in a bad mood or not.  When just their smile makes your whole day; when you can be perfectly content just staring into their eyes.  That kind of love is just indescribable really; you look at them or think of them and feel so much affection for them that you're at loss for words.
  You want to understand them, well enough to be able to know how they are feeling from just a look at their face; from just a simple conversation with them.  You are willing to go anywhere to meet them, do anything; the only thing you care about is being there with them.
  Yet what do you do when they don't feel the same way?  Or even close to that way?  You try to make it  work; to play by their rules.  The problem with that is love doesn't have rules; sooner or later you will start to miss them like crazy.  Maybe start to question the relationship; wondering why they don't seem to feel very much for you.  Those are dangerous thoughts; as I've said before they could easily lead to resentment, my most hated emotion.
  You can talk to them about it of course, try to understand how they feel and why they feel that way.  Then you have to look inside yourself; sit down and have a talk with yourself.  Think of all the emotions you feel, think of how your life was before that person came into it; how it has changed since.  The decision you make is not a light one that can be reversed.  It will hurt you; it will hurt them.  Yet sometimes it's worth taking that leap into uncharted waters; not everyone is meant to be friends.  When you both feel so much differently about the other, it creates tension everyday in the relationship.  This tension can be light and easily worked off, or it could be the kind that envelops you; eats away at you everyday until you're an emotional wreck.  Everyone has to compromise to some degree in any relationship, yet when one person is so unwilling to make any concessions it might not work out.  As everyone knows, relationships are about give and take; without it you're just asking for trouble.  So while you may love that person to death; be absolutely crazy about them, sometimes you have to realize that they don't feel the same way about you and it will always be an issue.  The best, albeit hardest thing you may have to do, is give them up.

You Don't Have Anything to Say or You Don't Want to Talk

 It's interesting when I ask people how they are doing and what's new, they often reply "the usual".   Yet what is the usual?  There's no such thing in my mind as the usual.  Just like matter is constantly changing and everybody has different biological reactions going on in their bodies, you physically can't have exactly the same day as you had before that, and before that.  Every morning you wake up, having changed a slight bit; you may be thinking something different than the previous morning.  We're not robots, we don't have the exact same actions programmed in our brain with no variety.
  Why don't people really say what's on their mind?  For certain, it's not the same thought as you had told me yesterday.  We are constantly processing new information every minute of everyday; we just aren't aware of all of it.  The sub-conscious mind is really still a complete mystery; we know it's there, we know a little bit about what kind of thoughts and actions it controls, yet we still can't know how it really works.  The brain is estimated to produce around 70,000 thoughts per day.  (http://www.brainhealthandpuzzles.com/fun_facts_about_the_brain.html)
  While of course we won't be aware of that many, not even close, there's no way you can tell me there's nothing on your mind.  Everything's on your mind; you just either aren't aware of it or don't want to talk about it. Ask someone about health; their health, their friends health, what they consider to be healthy, I know you will get a different answer from everyone.  Even if you ask random persons on the street about something as mundane as the weather, they will all have a slightly different opinion.  So of course you're thinking something different; of course you're not bored, our brains are too advanced to be bored.  We just aren't utilizing them to the their full potential.
  If the day ever comes when we will be able to completely understand the human mind, I don't even have adequate words to describe the effect that will have on the human race.   It will change the whole world, and even the planets beyond us, far past our wildest dreams.  It blows me away just to think of it.  
  So do me a favor, when I ask what's on your mind or how you're doing, tell me the truth; we all know you can't have nothing to say.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Growing Up; For Better or Worse

   I am spoiled; anyone who knows me would say that. Yet what really is the definition of "spoiled"?  It is so wrong to have nice things in life?  By no means am I well off. I can't afford to buy all the things I want; I certainly can't afford to live wherever I want.  I have to work for a living, same as the vast majority of the population.  There's no way I can afford to just relax everyday and do whatever I want; not for very long in any case.  I work hard at the jobs I have, regardless of if I get to keep them or not; I do sacrifice a few extras in life to save money. Although most people I talk to would say I'm not living in reality, but instead a dream world where my mom pays for everything, I understand what I must do to get by on my own.  The problem is how do I go about doing that?
  It's not that easy to find jobs at the moment and with the economy the way it is; I have had extra bad luck in that area as well recently.  I am continuing to look in the meantime everyday and planning on becoming a certified personal trainer soon which will provide me with a livable income.  It's not going to be easy by any means to live as an independent adult, yet it will be done; for better or for worse.
  I've been told by friends and family many times that the lifestyle I am accustomed to isn't going to be sustainable on only one income.  I buy healthy, but somewhat pricey food, have a bad habit of going out for at least one meal every two days or so; a not-so-good idea when one's trying to save money.  Having a vehicle doesn't make things cheaper, yet for me it's not optional; the transit system simply sucks.
  It's bad enough to live on your own these days; living in Vancouver is even worse.  Everything here, from food to gas, rent to cell phones, is so expensive.  The city really isn't becoming one the average John or Jane can afford to live in.  Rent is ridiculously high, even for a very small bachelor suite.  How does a young person afford to live comfortably on a small income?
  Yet sometimes we don't have a choice in life; rather, we have a choice but really there's only one logical option.  When you are up the river without a paddle, you better damn well get out and swim.  It won't be easy, there will always be things against you, but you have no choice but to swim; the alternative is to drown.
  I am both pessimistic and optimistic about the change that I am going to have to adapt to in the very near future.  On the one hand, I would be happy to stay at home until such a time when I have a good enough job to afford to live by my (fairly high) standards.  Meanwhile, on the other, I feel like this is an opportunity to really be able to mold and shape my life into one I can both enjoy and afford.  I am planning to go get certified to become a personal trainer and hopefully be good enough that I can make a proper living.  The fitness industry is booming right now and apparently there are lots of jobs available if you are certified.
  I know it will come as a complete shock to live by myself, and although I know it, I also know there's no way to fully prepare myself for it.  I might have to make a few changes in my life, and maybe I'm scared about that.  Deep down though, and what makes me optimistic, is that I know the only place I can go from where I currently am is up. And as I see it, the only choice you have in life is to live it; to keep moving forward everyday, being the best person you can be.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Family; There For You When No One Else Is

  This is something that I often don't think about and have taken for granted my whole life.  Family is special; there's something in that relationship that you can never get with friends.  Unfortunately, not everyone has good relations with their family, especially when it comes to their extended relatives.  Things can get pretty nasty, and I feel sorry for those people.  I don't have the best relationship with my family either but I still love them all and know they're always there for me.
  I mentioned there was a difference between even close friends and family, and I can definitely tell you there is. Friends are great, or can be at least.  People rely on their friends for a lot of things; from emotional support to physical support, from just being able to call a friend to come over at any hour to simply getting them to do a diet with you.  There's a lot more I haven't even mentioned and I won't because this is mainly about family.  You think of your mother; all she's done for you, all the love she gives and keeps giving, day after day after day, for the rest of her life.  The kind of love that shows you that without even asking she will always support you and stand by your side.  I don't have a father, figuratively speaking; that is to say, I have one but he left a long time ago and hasn't returned.  While I regret the fact that I had no male role model for most of my life (except for when I was young and my uncle Del was there; I'll never forget how much I loved the time I spent with him), it's one of those things where if you don't know what you're missing, how can you miss it?   While friends can be there for long periods of time, there are lots of cases where you will lose them; the reasons for this are too numerous for even me to think of.  With friends you may think you are really close, may share all your secrets with them; nevertheless in the end they could end up betraying you over something as unimportant as a guy.
   With family it's different.  You can go years with just seeing each other maybe once or twice a year (at Christmas and Thanksgiving for example) and still be able to just confide in them stuff you can't tell anyone else about.  I never realized how truly important it is to have family; to be close to each other.   Everybody's so busy these days; between school, work, relationships, more work, more school, people often get busy and forget about their family.   That's not to say they are ignoring them, but that they just get caught up in everything else in life.  
   There's no initial hump to get over like there is with friends; you know when you first meet and then decide how much to trust them or even if you can.  There's none of that with family, you just know you can trust them and they know they can trust you.  When you feel all alone and need someone to talk to who won't judge what you say, you turn to your family.  Whether it be your mom, dad, sister or brother, cousin, uncle, niece, grandma or anyone else I'm missing, they all love you and want to help you; want to see you happy and successful.
  They will talk to you about anything you need too, even if they don't really want to. They will, because you're family and they love you.  Yet sometimes we can forget this; forget the importance of keeping in touch with our loved ones.  Forget about the true meaning of family; just get so caught up in our own lives that we lose track.  That happens, that's life these days.  Nevertheless, it's always important to stay close to your family; for in the end, when you feel deserted and alone, they are always the ones holding out their hand to pull you back up.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

I Love This Bar

  As I write this, it's eleven at night and I'm at The Backstage Lounge.   A little place down on Granville Island, I wouldn't think to go here to listen to music; in fact I stumbled on this place quite by accident.  It's become my favorite place to go three to five nights out of the week.  They have a very nice little stage with impressive sound and have some kind of band/DJ playing every night of the week.
  They either start at around seven/seven thirty or (most of the time) at ten or eleven.  I never used to stay up late until I starting visiting here (bad bad Daniel, you need your sleep!)   Yet I have chosen to forgo sleep while I'm still young; I still get about five hours a night, sometimes four.  The bands they get aren't recognized names, sometimes it's just a single artist, yet the music is always good.   I would have to say my favorite night is becoming those on which they have a DJ.
  The particular aspect of this place is their diverse crowd.  You will see all ages in this bar; sometimes older, sometimes younger, and everything in between.   On the nights they have a DJ, it's usually a younger crowd (that's often true as well of the nights they have their $2 beer!)  I love the DJ; it's nice to have just good pounding music to dance to.  The dance floor is jammed on those nights and I'm out there with everyone else; getting my "grove on".  I'm jigging and jagging to the beat, moving my feet and feeling the heat.   It's awesome!
  My only regret (if you can call it that), is that often even when they start at ten, they don't go past midnight.  I am not the all night type but would be happy to stay here til one dancing.  After a long hard day, this is the place I come to relax and let go.  Just get lost in the music and forget everything else for a few hours.
  The staff here are friendly as well; very nice hostess and only two or three different bartenders that are great as well.  I suggest to one and all if you haven't been here yet to come down and check it out; be warned it's not air conditioned as it's an old building so it can get quite hot some nights (especially when you're on a jammed packed dance floor).  Yet you're having so much fun you don't even notice.    The cover is a cheap 5-10 dollars (depending on what band is playing) and it's well worth it for hours of live music.   So come down one night (phone first to find out the time as there's no regular schedule); I think you will be pleasantly surprised.


Only You Know What's Best; Look Inside Your Heart

   I often ask myself, is love worth the pain?   My answer always was the same; of course it is, what's life without love?  Yet I'm not so sure anymore.  If each day you hurt because of your love for someone, is it really worth still keeping the relationship alive?  I think each one of us would have a different answer because when it comes to emotions, there's not a generic "solve all" solution.
  While you may not be able to help who you love, nor the intensity of that love, what you can do is decide if you can live with it still alive and breathing.  Each and everyday you may still be friends, may talk each night, yet if they don't feel the same and you don't mean all that much to them, you have a problem.  It hurts immensely and can be emotionally draining to love someone who doesn't feel the same, yet you're still friends. It all comes back to how they feel about you.  If you're friends with someone, and you deeply love the other and consider them your world, and your friend just thinks the relationship between you is just a casual thing, someone's going to end up getting very hurt; the chances are it won't be them.
  It may be better to just end the relationship before it gets any worst; for while you will eventually get over the other person once it's ended, if you remain friends and try to ignore it, you could spend everyday with a part of yourself hurting like crazy.  Love's definitely not a easy thing in life. It can be the best part of it, or it can be the part that causes incredible pain; I would say it's often both.  It's up to you to decide how much of it you want in your life; unfortunately it's not as simple as deciding you're not going to love someone just because you don't want to.
  It's not a easy decision to make, and most people make choices that they regret afterwards. Nevertheless, it isn't right to be in a relationship where you're always feeling a little pain at the circumstances; always wondering what you really mean to that person.  It may just be small at first, but emotional pain can spread fast through the body, sometimes leaving scars that will never fully heal.

Monday, August 1, 2011

It's Such a Peaceful City, How Could It Turn Into A Disaster At the Blow of A Whistle

   Well it's been a month and a half now since Vancouver had it's reputation for being a plesent city with nice people smeared by a few crazed fans.  Yes, I'm talking about the 2011 Stanley Cup Riot.  Such a disappointment in mine and a lot of citizens eyes.
   I was at work, annoyed at missing the hockey game; trying in vain to get away for a few minutes to the TV in the staff room.  Nevertheless, I wasn't to optimistic that the Canucks would win; they have a bad track record when it comes to the Stanley Cup.  So I wasn't surprised at all when I heard we lost 4-0.  Now, I enjoy hockey, and always watch the Playoffs, even though we haven't won as of yet.  There's just some irresistibly when it comes to the playoffs; the whole city is just so alive.
  I was working until ten thirty that night; another hard closing shift.  A little while after the radio said we lost (I was listening to it on my BlackBerry while I cleaned), a co worker came in and told us the city was rioting and chaos reigned.  I was shocked upon hearing this; it's just a f**king hockey game after all!  I was concerned about how I was going to get home safely and quickly since I worked at Costco downtown (smack in between Roger's Arena and BC Place).  I had heard that all the bridges were closed too so was preparing myself for a long drive home.  When I went up to the staff room and saw the destruction, I was speechless; my mouth was literally hanging open.  What I saw on the TV looked like it was a movie; fires burned, cars flipped, every store window crashed and each store looted.  Cops in riot gear everywhere, hitting people with billy clubs, spraying them, using horses to chase them away.  Those brave men and women doing everything in their power to keep order and protect this beautiful city.  I just couldn't believe what I was seeing.  It still saddens and disturbs me now that people could get so out of control like that.
   There was lots of talk about the lack of police presence, especially in that area and the media was pointing a shaking finger at the mayor and chief.  Yet it's the people who did this that are to blame; the police can only do so much and have little to no experience when it comes to riots.  And why should they?  This isn't a politically unstable country where riots and protests are commonplace.  There were over a hundred thousand people in a small area of downtown; that alone is asking for trouble.   A hundred thousand plus people and less than three hundred cops to maintain order.  That's just wrong to start with, but what can you expect when literally all police departments are running on a tight budget?   I think the police did as good a job as they could in the situation; just imagine a twenty year old kid trying to control people bent on destruction, fueled by liqueur and who knows what drugs.  It's amazing as it is that they were able to get in under control in only four hours.  
    I'm just disappointed that people had to act that way.  What's the use of all that destruction, the violence, the black mark in Vancouver history?   On the other hand, it also fills my heart to see the cleanup effort the next day.  Thousands of people from all over the Lower Mainland came and pitched in to restore this city to its former glory.  It's actions like that that really fill my heart and confirm my belief that most people are good; it's just a small percentage that ruins it for the rest of us.  Why can't people just have a good time and behave themselves?  That was just a sad sad night to witness and I hope it never happens again; I'm sure that they city isn't going to be putting up giant screens for people to watch the game next year.  People need to learn to behave themselves; it's not like we had a protest for a ruler who's violating our human rights, it was a hockey game for chrisakes!

Getting Sick of "the Interview"

   We've all been there before; sitting in front of our perspective boss while he/she determines if we are suited for the job or not.  Before going we make sure to look our best; shower, dress nicely, make sure we don't have any stray foodstuffs in our teeth.....always trying to impress.  After all, the first impression is the one that can get you the job.  
  We get there early, inquire politely as to where we are supposed to wait/go and then sit down and shut up until we are called.  For me at least, it's always the same; be on my best behaviour, be myself (but not my bad self), listen and answer all questions fully; yadda yadda yadda, we all know how this works.
  I've had a lot of interviews for my age; way more than I should in my opinion. Let me tell you, while it's all something we have to do and can't really complain too much about because after all, we wouldn't be there if we didn't need money right?,  I'm getting awfully sick of them.   It wouldn't be so bad if you went and had the interview (I've rarely had a interview that lasted more than twenty minutes or so). It's all the waiting for the managers to be free that is trying.  I find the chances are slim to none that the time they give you is actually the time you will be starting.
   I've had it all happen to me; gotten there on time and went in right away, waited anywhere from a few minutes to an hour to go in, have had times where the manager completely forgot about the whole thing and didn't bother to tell me. It's all very time consuming; fine if you are unemployed, troublesome if you are working another job in the meantime.  Yet it always comes down to the simple fact; except for a small minority we all have to work for a living.
   Having said that, I wish the interview process was a bit different.  I understand the purpose of the interview; to determine if the employer thinks you're right for the position.  Pretty simple concept.  Yet it's all the other stuff that comes along with that; the waiting, the "second" interview, the "trial" period, the reference checks...why does it have to be such an ordeal?
   I think it should be solely based on experience and nothing else; of course that will never happen because every one of us humans are biased.    So what can you really do in the end but suck it up and deal with it?    If only it was done a little bit differently; if only the time they told you was the time of the interview.

Who Said Relationships Were Easy?

  Why are relationships so freaking hard?  I've never in my life experienced anything harder than what we call a relationship.  They're constant work to maintain, to build, to repair.  Like matter, they're constantly changing but never disappearing. I wish (almost) that we could read minds, because really, nobody would have any problems then.  I think the main problem in any relationship (and I know I've said this constantly in my posts) is misunderstanding.  Yet I will go a step further and add to that different amounts of trust and love.  In a perfect relationship, you would take two people who deeply love each other in the same way, with the same amount of commitment to their togetherness; then you would add in complete and blind trust, then lastly total disclosure and communication.  The end result?  A perfect relationship.
  The problem, of course, is no one does that.  There's always at least one person who holds something back, feels differently about the other, doesn't trust them completely...that's what creates the problems.  It doesn't always have to be love; you can just have a casual thing with someone.  Yet it's not the way the human mind works that everyone feels the same emotions; that would make for a pretty dull world.  On the other hand, it complicates things immensely when one person loves another with all their heart and the lovee, as it were, doesn't.  Then you have a issue.
  How can the relationship work if one of you feels completely different than the other?  I'm not saying it won't work and will always end in pain, yet it takes extremely more effort to make it work.  One of them has to decide if they can live by the other's conditions; while the other one has to choose whether or not they can be comfortable with being loved in that way, or intensity.  Talking about it always helps, but talking only about that is dangerous.  If that comes up in every conversation you have with each other, then all it will lead to eventually is arguing; if it is a big enough issue it could even threaten the maintainability of the relationship.  If all either of you can think about is that one conflict, then sooner or later you're both going to end up fighting and maybe even feel some resentment towards the other.  When it comes to that, resentment, I believe, is one of the most dangerous words to have in your head.  "I resent him/her" is not just saying you don't like some aspects of them, but that you actually resent their being.  Very risky stuff and you should think carefully if that is really the word you wish to use.
   It's certainly hard to do, but two people can definitely be friends, even if one feels a stronger emotional attachment than the other.  It's certainly hard to do.  Although again, in the end it all comes down to love; are you willing to give up someone you love just because you feel a stronger/different love than they do for you?
  That's not a easy question to ponder and sometimes it takes years to realize your answer, but it's one that has to be asked eventually if you're feeling like both of you are drifting apart.