Lately these days, the dominating thought on my mind has been; should I let go of the friend I love, or stay in a relationship with her that's eating me up? If I stay will she eventually come to trust me in the way I want; in the way I need? Or will there always be that gap between us, that tension that has caused me to lose so much sleep in this last week? We can't know what lies ahead in our future; we have to guess and take a chance that what we chose was the right decision. Especially when it comes to matters of the heart; often the choices we make can't be undone. It's for this reason why they are so hard to make; so intimidating.
I've always told myself over the years I wouldn't love anyone for this exact reason; the pain it can create is immense. Yet we humans have a need to feel love; to be loved and to love in return. I don't believe it's an emotion you can change, at least not easily. And would you want to? While there have been moments lately that I just want to say forget it, to throw in the towel, I know in my heart that I can never do that. For a part of me, albeit a small one, has the everlasting hope, the flame as it were, that is still waiting for someone to come along to add theirs; keeping each other warm and casting us in light even during our coldest, darkest times. It may not be any time soon, yet if I choose to give up, to extinguish the fire, then it may not ever be able to be re-lit; therefore into eternal darkness I will have cast myself. So I hold on, as much as I want to let go sometimes, waiting for the right person to come along and complete me.
Letting go of someone you love so deeply can feel like the end of the world. The thought of it immobilizes me, scares the daylights out of me. Yet before I met her I was resigned to that darkness, still waiting for the right person to give me their hand and lead me into the light. She did that for me; yet I realize now it was into the greater light she was leading me, not into hers. Had I known that at the time would I have so willingly taken her hand? I believe I still would've, for her light had a power of its own; a way of flowing over me and casting the darkness from within even before she gave me her hand. It was a feeling like no other. I have never loved a person in that way before; the way I love her. I can't make the decision to let her go yet; at least I don't think I can, for she still makes my heart swell every time I think of her, still makes me laugh, captivates me with the sound of her voice. The love I feel for her defies all laws of rational thought; causes me to wonder how one person can possibly mean so much to me, yet the feeling is real nevertheless, the strongest emotion I've ever had. I don't want, I refuse, to give up hope that I will find a person who will give me their hand; leading me into their light.