I have lot's of energy. I can walk for hours on end without tiring; can go to the gym three hours a day on four hours sleep. Do I get physically tired sometimes? Sure I do; most certainly I'm not Superman. Yet for the most part it's the emotional tired; the kind you can't do anything about. The kind that no amount of sleep can cure.
Don't think I haven't thought it was from lack of sleep; it would certainly be the obvious answer. I have only been getting on average four hours sleep a night, not that much by anybody's standards. Nevertheless, I've been sleeping like that for weeks now and have more or less gotten used to it. The problem (or maybe advantage) with me is that I'm OK to go on very little sleep and still have lots of physical energy; I guess it's just the wonder of being nineteen. For example, I can have four hours or seven hours (which I got last night) and I still feel exactly the same in the morning. I'm glad of this because not everyone can go on this amount of sleep; I've always hoped that I would be able to.
It's not that kind of tired. As I mentioned in a previous post of mine, there's a lot of areas of my life that need to be changed. And while I am planning to do just that, it's not something that can be done in the blink of an eye. The thing about emotional problems is that they need a lot of fine tuning, or small adjustments as it were. Like a fine piece of woodwork, emotions need lot's of attention to detail, and you need to be patient with them. That can be extremely frustrating and most of all draining.
It would be nice to have the kind of relationship that's, for the most part anyways, smooth. Yet that's not my fate in life it seems. Lot's of times I think to myself; "just f*ck it all, give up on the relationship part and focus solely on yourself". Yet then again, what is life without other people in it? People bring the essential aspect of love to your being; the tricky part is getting the right kind of people.
I used to sleep lot's, and I mean lot's. Ten hours a night was my average back then, and I thought I would die if I got any less (I've always been a overly dramatic person). Yet if everything else goes OK in my life, four to five hours is fine; six is a luxury. The problem is that, while physically I am good to go, my capacity to deal with emotional problems and analyze any given situation is significantly diminished when I'm running on four hours sleep a night. This is the reason for the "tiredness" I am feeling.
I am beginning to think a change like that is in order for me; with my mom leaving, having to find a roommate to live with, starting school, and (hopefully) finding a new job, I am brightened that my life will soon be getting that kind of change I'm beginning to desire so much.