If you have it,
You don't need anything else...
And if you don't have it,
It doesn't matter much what else you have
These days I haven't been sleeping; the way my relationships are going I guess that's not surprising. Knowing I will lie awake for hours, I don't even bother trying to get more than four hours sleep anymore; certainly not enough even for me. Consequently, the lack of sleep isn't helping smooth things over with my loved one's either. I always thought that eventually in life I would find some people; friends, partners, lovers, for me. I never was looking for a lot; rather I was hopeful to find someone with whom to spend time with, to talk with everyday. I always wanted someone, or a few people, who I could be close enough to to call whenever, for whatever reason. Growing up surrounded by laughing teenagers, by couples, I always thought that there weren't any rules with people you love; apparently, as I have recently found out, there are a abundance.
I still don't understand it; I could go the whole day communicating with those I love without a minute between texts..could spend all my free time talking on the phone, and meeting up with them everyday. Nothing would make me more content than that. Yet that's not how it works apparently; sometimes, actually most of the time, the one's I love don't want to talk to me (considering the day's twenty four long hours). Whether they're busy, not in the mood, working, have nothing to say (which I don't believe is possible), or for any other reason one might think of, they don't feel the desire to chat.
Likewise, I am interested in those I love, interested in everything about them. I would happily sit for hours while they tell me about their past; about their relationships, their emotions. I love hearing it all; whether they're sad, angry, happy, excited, bored, or any other emotion they're feeling or have felt in the past, I want to hear about it. Even to me when I think about this the stereotypical psychiatrist pops up in my mind. That one staple question that seems to be the basis for all therapy; how do you feel about that? Keeping this in mind, looking at myself from their view I can understand how they would find me annoying some times and want to avoid me. Yet I don't know any way else to communicate; everything else I can think of just feels like small talk to me.
If they're reading this right now, which they probably aren't (they're just so damned busy) they probably have images in their mind of all the (to them, tedious and irrelevant) questions I have for them everyday. I'm interested in the little things and the larger ones; what time they got up, what they had for breakfast, how they feel about their partners, their family. What happened during their childhood, did they like school? Or was it a huge trauma for them? How did that impact their lives? And of course, how do they feel about that? That's just to name a few things that I am very interested in. They could, and my dearest friend has, talked about her life for hours, and I was in awe the whole time. While we have had many of these such talks, I still have a million questions about areas of her life I don't yet know about.
All these questions seem to be making everyone tired and annoyed with me; I don't think I'll ever understand that. For me the notion is simple; I love them and therefore, want to know everything about them, want to know what makes them who they are, and who they hope to become. This creates conflict in our relationship, major conflict. Whether they still don't trust me enough to tell me certain things, or they don't feel it's necessary to resurrect all those emotions again (not all of which are pleasant), or they simply think it's an ordeal that can be avoided, either which way, they want to keep stuff from me. While most people would take that in stride, not thinking anything of it, I wonder. Is it me? Is there something about me that still, despite all the love I have for them, gives them reason to mistrust me? I am beginning to think, as I come to love more people in my life and have reconnected with my wonderful cousins, if I'm not meant for this? Some people are just likable, whom people trust naturally; while I like to think that I could be one of them, maybe I can't. There may be something in the way I talk, in the words I use, in the actions I take, that gives everyone in my life right now a reason to, while not quite avoid me, rather not trust me completely either. Something that causes them to not get that natural feeling of companionship when they're around me. I wonder what it could be? And if so, how do I change it? Do I want to change it? While I will never regret loving them this fiercely, for it has shown me that true love, whether it's reciprocated or not, does exist.
Nevertheless, I look at the people in my life who have found true love, and think to myself; will I ever have that? For while I have an endless amount of love in my heart to give, maybe I give to much, drowning the recipients in the process.