I've said in my previous posts how hard it is to be casual friends when I want so much more. I go through each day longing to see her, to hear her laugh, to look into her eyes. She knows how much I love her; how she means the world to me, yet she doesn't want to see me. I know now that, although she may have some issues with seeing me, something about me that may give her pause, it's certainly not a mistrust of me. I know she trusts me; there's no doubt about that in my mind now.
That leaves me to ask; what is keeping her from just telling me everything about herself? From seeing me everyday; every week; every month? I'm not sure what it is, even though she has tried to explain it to me, I am still stumped. For in my mind, when you are friends with someone, when you love someone, you want to see them all the time. Nevertheless, it seems she's not the only one who feels that way about me; people seem to avoid me like the plague. Not that I try very hard to make new friends; I'm not in a point in my life where I can handle the stress that would bring into my life. Whatever it is, I wish that I could change for her; I would do anything if I knew what I had to do. Yet I don't; therefore am left feeling my way around in the dark unknown that is this relationship.
It's funny, we've all heard the saying "don't take things for granted, you don't know what you had until it's lost". While I have had that repeated to me many times during my life, I truly didn't get it; didn't understand the meaning. That is, until I thought I had lost the girl I love. It hit me then; a thousand pound rock pounding into my heart, crushing it. I couldn't live without her; my love for her was simply too strong and not having her in my life would ruin me. I had to talk to her, to say I was sorry again; to beg, to plead, to tell her how I felt for her from the bottom of my heart. It had to work, I told myself, for truly this was a nightmare I would wake up from; surely this couldn't be the end of us.
I told her how much I love her, that I couldn't live; that I didn't want to live, without her. I didn't know what else to say; didn't know what else to do. Yet after a few days of silence, she somehow found a piece of her that still loved me; I know now my thoughts about this relationship were wrong all along. She did love me, she did trust me; that she had been telling me all along. For some stupid, f**ked up reason, I didn't see that. I'm still badly shaken to think that I almost lost her, and I need to take extreme caution from here; baby steps all over again. Yet I know I can do it; for to lose her is simply incomprehensible.