Well one of the things that I dread the most has happened; I'm SICK! Every time this happens I go crazy, like "want to scream and pound the wall" crazy. In light of recent events and trying to change my attitude vastly to preserve relationships, this is really NOT a good time to be sick.
Let me start with a bit of history; when I got sick in the past, it was one of the few times I wish I had friends. When you're stuck at home with nothing to do, and can't really go out, you long for company. I always hated having no one to talk to during those days; yet it wasn't as bad as now.
Let me just say; I have no patience for anything when I'm sick. With missing out on the exercise that is so crucial to fighting stress, I'm already a bit jumpy. The only thing that helps is talking to friends and family. And I don't want to stop. Otherwise I end up sitting at home, frustrated beyond belief and bored out of my mind. Add to all that the fact that my throat gets so dry that I literally can't drink enough water, and I'm like a burning fuse attached to a bomb minutes away from exploding.
As I'm sure you've read, I've been trying to screw into my impossible mind that the relationship I have with this friend of mine is super casual; whereas I could spend every minute of the day talking to her, she is happy to only talk for a few minutes a day. To her, talking to me everyday in itself is a lot; I have a different opinion. I want to talk to her every minute of the day; as obviously that's not possible, I would settle for a few hours. Yet even that seems most of the time to be too much for her; I have to firmly remind myself that this is a casual friendship to her. That's not something easy for me to comprehend, not with my feelings for her.
In addition to that, my cousin has decided that she, too, would rather be on super casual basis with regards to chatting; that is to say, talking to me for long periods everyday isn't too appealing to her either. In fact, I haven't even heard from her at all today. Ok, *deep breath in, let it out slowly*. Repeat until I'm calm; about a million times for me. I really need to take up meditation!
Again we come to the varying "love amount" thing. People are different; they love in different ways and love for them means vastly different things. When I love someone, they become the center of my world; the sun that lights my day. Since none of the people I love feel the same way about me, that's really not good for when I'm trying to be casual! Whereas they are more than happy to chat maybe once a day, or something along those lines, I want to talk to them for literally hours each day. Nope, not good at all; I have to keep reminding myself that they have lives outside of me, that in fact they have better things to do then talk to me all day. *deep breath, in and out, in and out*
It's mainly for this exact reason (in addition to the fact that it's simply unhealthy), that I don't drink. The way my life is right now, I would be drunk off my a** twenty four hours a day. I would become one of those people that keep a flask of vodka in their coat pocket at all times.
As I've had numerous, threatening conflicts with those I love lately over this issue, I'm trying not to poke a wound that's already been open for awhile. Yet I'm getting really close to putting the knife in, so to speak. Yup, meditation is looking better and better everyday; the trick is how to do it without going crazy from sitting that long without moving and, more importantly, clearing my mind of all the thoughts that are driving me crazy.
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