"I'm going to smile and make you think I'm happy, I'm going to laugh, so you don't see me cry, I'm going to let you go in style, and even if it kills me - I'm gong to smile."
Well, judging by my silent phone lately, a few relationships in my life are over. There was lot's of talks about what we each wanted out of the relationship, and it was just too different and conflicting to get past. I'm disappointed that through all my love for them we couldn't work out our differences, yet love was the problem to start. I felt nothing but pure love towards them, while they didn't love me and wished that I didn't feel that way about them either; consequently we were often at odds over our relationship.
While the friendship started off slowly, it quickly developed (for me anyway), leaving me longing to get closer to them. This was the beginning of our problems, for they didn't trust me enough to let me get close to their heart. While we hadn't known each other very long at this point, I have an instinctive trust of people and needed them to be able to fully trust me in return. When this doesn't happen, I've realized, it creates major problems; what am I supposed to think of a friend who keeps so much from me?
As the days turned into weeks and weeks into months, their trust in me hadn't grown. This put me in a tough situation to say the least; where do I go from here? I'm sure if you've been reading my blog, you know that I have to talk everything out; how can you give up on something when you haven't looked at it from every aspect? Yet it seems that communication failed me this time; for their feelings and minds were made up. They were happy to have me as a very very casual friend, yet I don't do casual. I've often said this before; what's the point of friendship where you can't talk openly with one another, where you don't explicitly trust each other?
Everyday, as I reasserted my feelings for them, my love for them, they started getting distant; retreating back to the strangers we once were. Slowly I began to realize that no matter how thoroughly I explained myself, how much emotion I showed, they weren't going to let me into their hearts. Yet I was still in denial; how could it be possible that two people I love so much it hurts not trust me? It didn't make any logical sense, still doesn't. Yet that was the situation I found myself in nevertheless, and I lost a lot of sleep over it. Throughout the short, albeit loving relationship (for me anyway), even though we had our differences, our occasional arguments, I was never once mad at them, not even once. I've never come across something like that feeling before; I simply loved them to much to be angry. Sure, we had our fights, when they would get mad at something I did, something I said; while they may have been mad at me, I was never angry with them. Even now, the relationship basically over due to their mistrust of me, I still only feel love towards them. I am still happy to have had what little we had these last few months.
I still have a burning ember of hope that we will be able to reconcile our differences, to be in that trusting relationship. Yet I think the time has passed for that; or rather, there never was that time. One thing I know in my heart though, I will still be here if they ever change their mind. For I still love them more than anything; I will always be here if they decide to reciprocate that love.
I Know Now It Was
I said it wasn't possible
To be hurt by you
That I would always be your friend
You told me never to say that
Always isn't as long as we think
Today I found out you were right
I was hurt; that you don't love me
That you don't feel safe with me
That you don't trust me
I didn't think it was possible to be hurt
As long as I knew that you love me
Yet I was wrong; I was crushed
By what you said; by how you felt
I have never loved another more
You were my world; the one to always bring a smile to my face
Yet deep down maybe I knew
For it was the obvious outcome of the rules you set
That you had any rules at all; yet you had so many
All designed to keep me at a distance
The worst part of it all; you are fine
You are who you are; you won't change for me
So that begs the question; do you really love me?
I'm beginning to think I'm just another friend
A casual one to be there for you; yet one you won't fully trust
It was an illusion I had; to think I must be patient
That one day you would trust me
I know now that won't happen
That to stay in this relationship is asking to be hurt
So I'm saying goodbye; as much as it will kill a part of me
For I am losing a larger part of my heart, by staying
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