This is something I often wonder about; what is to become of me? I have two different conflicting trains of thought on this; first, I'm not getting any younger and each day that passes when I'm not taking affirmative action towards my future, not having it all planned out as it was, is grating on me. Second, the days are going impossibly slow, every minute seeming like an hour; I just want to settle into my career, start a family, and lay back and watch my life unfold.
Time's flying by before my eyes, yet it feels like I'm helpless to do anything about it. I think back to when I was in high school, grade ten to be exact. I was only a kid then certainly, not worried about money, no vehicle to pay for, no job to go to. Just get up, go to school, sleep through class, eat like crap, and sleep some more. That was about it back then; if only I could be that carefree again.
As I grew older, first came the part time job, then the full time one. I went to having all paid for; food, rent, clothes, cell phone, Internet, cable, everything; to having to pay for lots of things myself. Now amid all the other issues in my life, I have insurance, gym, cell phone, gas, food, rent and everything else to pay for. That's with my mom helping me out immensely; what will I do on my own? How will I find the thousands of dollars needed to live each month?
I often think of my future and brush it off; just focus on the now. Yet, my mind tends to drift back to that thought, what am I going to do with my life? How am I going to dig up all the money I'm going to need? When will I meet someone, and start a family? Where will I live? So many thoughts; it can certainly be overwhelming. I envy those who already have their future all planned out by my age; I am still feeling my way around in the dark, as it were. Yes, I am starting school in Sept, and hopefully will end up within a year with a comfy personal training job as a result. Yet it will be a lot of work; so many more responsibilities than I have now. I couldn't imagine living on my own now, not that I don't want to, just that all the work it would entail is overwhelming. Nevertheless, with my mom moving in a matter of weeks, a month at the most, I will have to get used to it very quickly. There's so many areas of my life I want to improve; to change. Yet, change can be extremely hard, intimidating even. I know what I want (I think), just not how to even start planning to get it. I think in the end, even if you have everything planned out, you just have to go with the flow; take and work with what God gives you.
If I was expecting that to be easy, it was an illusion. Very little in life is easy; you have to work hard for everything you want; for everything you deserve. However, that's something that I haven't quite grasped yet; I better wrap my head around it and embrace it pretty darn soon. While I dread having to "grow up", to move fully into adulthood, I think it will be better in the end. There are many of us that think back to when we were young; who would give anything to go back to that time. Yet I think that's not true; while being a teenager with no worries, no responsibilities is great, when you first discover what love is, that's just the prelude to life. Ultimately the happiest time of your life is being with the person you love, raising a family together. I know personally, there's nothing I'm looking forward to more than being a father; yet for now, I am just focusing on cleaning out all the areas of my life that are creating unnecessary problems and getting my career started.
While it isn't easy to live everyday in "limbo" as it were, at least I have a "semi-kinda" plan in the works. I just will wait to see where I am in a year; I will be done my trainer course by Christmas, and hopefully will get into the field right away. There I can start gathering clients, and see where that takes me. It's an exciting prospect, but at the same time a intimidating one. For I long for the security of certainty; something that's impossible to have in life. All I can do is do what I do everyday; live life the best way I can. In the end, only He knows what lays ahead for you.